i sink back... watching... always watching. wanting to make a move... wanting to speak up; but i don't. i sit mulling over "what ifs" and ultimately hope it's only a drill.
what to do?... what to do?!
how to dislodge my head from my posterior end and do something... do anything more then just sit here sans action... waiting to die... waiting to LIVE?!
the only reason i can come up with for my inaction which may come across as "complacency" is cowardice.
i am afraid to take action for fear of some result - letting someone down, failing, losing money, losing friends, losing face, etc. so rather then actually standing up and taking action... i wait. i sit. i let the world pass me by in all its splendor.
i keep trying to do something (anything) but do i really? is the problem that i "TRY" rather then DO? i think so.
i would like to think that i am this spontaneous creature full of wonderment. alas... i am boring. i am fearful. i am mortal as any other mortal comes.
however, what it seems i do have is an abundance of cowardice. more cowardly then the lion who finally finds his roar in the wizard of oz. more cowardly then i care to admit.
i want to move out of the shadows... truly i do...
i have visions of grandeur that could really help people and make the world better (at least locally)... so why do i do nothing about them?
i realize that some of them require startup/capital or the ability to make a mistake financially (which in these times, i think most people are aware of) however, there are people doing it... there are people who are willing to bare their asses to really try (not "try") to make this world better (even to make a buck).
regardless... there definitely is a separation of me vs them... i want to be one of the people who inspire... but unfortunately, i've inherited the traits of my parents... fear, self doubt, self consciousness, and depression... granted, i only know one of my parents, so what does that afford me...?
it may afford me the ability to write my own destiny and yell at the top of my lungs "the world is my oyster - my father was napoleon and i will conquer you world!!!" ...perhaps nothing that huge, but still... (and perhaps this ignorance is where i can draw hope)...
my limitation now and forever has been/will be one thing: myself!
excuses are like ass holes... we all have them, and they all stink... i'm trying to find a butt plug big enough to shut mine up long enough to change my frame of mind... to change my perspective and quit thinking "in the box"... i, unlike some people, really can think outside of the box and encourage others - but i (personally) can't take action...
i've managed to trap myself in the proverbial box...
in the legend of pandora's box - the box is a thing of curiosity and wisdom which was not to be opened by mortals, however, man (in all of our infinite wisdom) decides to open it letting out terrible things into the world... the one thing that remained in the box was hope. does that mean that hope is trapped, or metaphorically that hope is inside of us?
i can tell you this - my name is not "hope'. ...but here i am, stuck inside of this box that i've limited myself to. i am "trying" to break out... but i really think i need to do more then say i want out... i need to learn that verbs are words of action - but if left in form of text, they are nothing more then part of a story... actions are actions... we live and die by them... and while my inaction is something that is killing me, what it will take to live is action.
i need to move away from these shadows, with my cowardice as chains... break them down - shatter them... use them as a motivation to never come back here; to stand upright and step out of this box/cell...
i am trying.
i want to do more then "try" - i want to do.
i want to take action.
i want to be the motivation through my actions to have others take action... not just "try".
fuck this ambivalence and cowardice and the stock pile of excuses that hold us back.
as my uncle would say "jfdi... just fuckin do it"
...with that... i am done with this text, and getting up and out.
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