i sink back... watching... always watching. wanting to make a move... wanting to speak up; but i don't. i sit mulling over "what ifs" and ultimately hope it's only a drill.
what to do?... what to do?!
how to dislodge my head from my posterior end and do something... do anything more then just sit here sans action... waiting to die... waiting to LIVE?!
the only reason i can come up with for my inaction which may come across as "complacency" is cowardice.
i am afraid to take action for fear of some result - letting someone down, failing, losing money, losing friends, losing face, etc. so rather then actually standing up and taking action... i wait. i sit. i let the world pass me by in all its splendor.
i keep trying to do something (anything) but do i really? is the problem that i "TRY" rather then DO? i think so.
i would like to think that i am this spontaneous creature full of wonderment. alas... i am boring. i am fearful. i am mortal as any other mortal comes.
however, what it seems i do have is an abundance of cowardice. more cowardly then the lion who finally finds his roar in the wizard of oz. more cowardly then i care to admit.
i want to move out of the shadows... truly i do...
i have visions of grandeur that could really help people and make the world better (at least locally)... so why do i do nothing about them?
i realize that some of them require startup/capital or the ability to make a mistake financially (which in these times, i think most people are aware of) however, there are people doing it... there are people who are willing to bare their asses to really try (not "try") to make this world better (even to make a buck).
regardless... there definitely is a separation of me vs them... i want to be one of the people who inspire... but unfortunately, i've inherited the traits of my parents... fear, self doubt, self consciousness, and depression... granted, i only know one of my parents, so what does that afford me...?
it may afford me the ability to write my own destiny and yell at the top of my lungs "the world is my oyster - my father was napoleon and i will conquer you world!!!" ...perhaps nothing that huge, but still... (and perhaps this ignorance is where i can draw hope)...
my limitation now and forever has been/will be one thing: myself!
excuses are like ass holes... we all have them, and they all stink... i'm trying to find a butt plug big enough to shut mine up long enough to change my frame of mind... to change my perspective and quit thinking "in the box"... i, unlike some people, really can think outside of the box and encourage others - but i (personally) can't take action...
i've managed to trap myself in the proverbial box...
in the legend of pandora's box - the box is a thing of curiosity and wisdom which was not to be opened by mortals, however, man (in all of our infinite wisdom) decides to open it letting out terrible things into the world... the one thing that remained in the box was hope. does that mean that hope is trapped, or metaphorically that hope is inside of us?
i can tell you this - my name is not "hope'. ...but here i am, stuck inside of this box that i've limited myself to. i am "trying" to break out... but i really think i need to do more then say i want out... i need to learn that verbs are words of action - but if left in form of text, they are nothing more then part of a story... actions are actions... we live and die by them... and while my inaction is something that is killing me, what it will take to live is action.
i need to move away from these shadows, with my cowardice as chains... break them down - shatter them... use them as a motivation to never come back here; to stand upright and step out of this box/cell...
i am trying.
i want to do more then "try" - i want to do.
i want to take action.
i want to be the motivation through my actions to have others take action... not just "try".
fuck this ambivalence and cowardice and the stock pile of excuses that hold us back.
as my uncle would say "jfdi... just fuckin do it"
...with that... i am done with this text, and getting up and out.
21.2.11
in the blink of an eye; in coma terms
it's been over 4 months and feels like minutes. my last posting was when i was flying up to boston to see my best friend and clear my head and calm my aching heart. ...a couple things happened.
a very good friend of mine showed up to the party while i was in town, high as a kite and making a scene (and not a good kind, but is there ever when the term "making a scene" is used?). i attempted to talk to them and get them to open up to me... that didn't happen and we haven't talked since. text messages and voicemail have gone unresponded to. this is someone that i've been really close to for 15 years... it breaks my heart. especially at a time when my marriage was questionable, this person was a close friend (perhaps we both had ulterior motives through the years, there was definitely innocent flirting in the past) who i confided in. when my spouse was talking to (and interested in) someone else, this person was here for me, and had been for a long, long time.
i keep wondering where to call off attempts to reach out... one more? how about one more after that? i'm not sure how they could just walk away from the history we had. between this and my spouse, i've learned that love is something not to take for granted. while some things have mended with my spouse (probably somewhat because their interest in the other person was nonreciprocal) it is far from perfect... but i'm not sure anything in life is ever perfect when you are trying to reach perfection, or at least an improved status of something; because the very nature of improvement is to put something under a critical eye of scrutiny. i certainly don't know if things are going to last with my spouse, but i certainly hope so... i don't want to admit defeat, or contribute to defeat... i would much rather be a part of something successful then something fleeting... but i can't fix everything and am equally flawed with quirks and my own issues, therefore contributing to the destruction i am trying to avoid.
i am trying to work on me; said quirks, my patience, communication, affection, attention and spirituality. as a firm believer in the concept of "it's not the situation... it's your reactions to the situation" that impacts our lives... basically reinforcing that we can't change people, only ourselves. that doesn't mean you stick around and keep allowing someone to treat you poorly... there is also a big part of me that follows the "we deserve what we tolerate" logic... but we will never find someone who makes us happy all of the time... and in truth, if you do, there is some deception there and they are probably trying to sell you something or worse.
my trip accomplished what i needed it to; a pause on where i was at in life, and a small analysis of relationships (friends, lovers and family). it also taught me that i still possess passion and am capable of feeling still on a human level rather then through mental reactions to something i see... a person can still turn me on and make me feel sexy - so i'm not dead inside!
since the trip, things have been pretty literally "status quo" (back to the way they were). it's like the other person my spouse had interest in didn't happen at all... even when confronted with evidence (yes, i snooped. no, i'm not proud.) ...does it make me weak to just allow things back to that status quo? i'm not sure... but i can say this... i deserve much better then that previous norm... and so do they. it's not that it's bad, it's actually pretty good most of the time... but it's not fulfilling and just seems half hearted.
hopefully, we'll find the other half of that heart, or we'll discover that it's ok to walk away... and sometimes that is more noble.
a very good friend of mine showed up to the party while i was in town, high as a kite and making a scene (and not a good kind, but is there ever when the term "making a scene" is used?). i attempted to talk to them and get them to open up to me... that didn't happen and we haven't talked since. text messages and voicemail have gone unresponded to. this is someone that i've been really close to for 15 years... it breaks my heart. especially at a time when my marriage was questionable, this person was a close friend (perhaps we both had ulterior motives through the years, there was definitely innocent flirting in the past) who i confided in. when my spouse was talking to (and interested in) someone else, this person was here for me, and had been for a long, long time.
i keep wondering where to call off attempts to reach out... one more? how about one more after that? i'm not sure how they could just walk away from the history we had. between this and my spouse, i've learned that love is something not to take for granted. while some things have mended with my spouse (probably somewhat because their interest in the other person was nonreciprocal) it is far from perfect... but i'm not sure anything in life is ever perfect when you are trying to reach perfection, or at least an improved status of something; because the very nature of improvement is to put something under a critical eye of scrutiny. i certainly don't know if things are going to last with my spouse, but i certainly hope so... i don't want to admit defeat, or contribute to defeat... i would much rather be a part of something successful then something fleeting... but i can't fix everything and am equally flawed with quirks and my own issues, therefore contributing to the destruction i am trying to avoid.
i am trying to work on me; said quirks, my patience, communication, affection, attention and spirituality. as a firm believer in the concept of "it's not the situation... it's your reactions to the situation" that impacts our lives... basically reinforcing that we can't change people, only ourselves. that doesn't mean you stick around and keep allowing someone to treat you poorly... there is also a big part of me that follows the "we deserve what we tolerate" logic... but we will never find someone who makes us happy all of the time... and in truth, if you do, there is some deception there and they are probably trying to sell you something or worse.
my trip accomplished what i needed it to; a pause on where i was at in life, and a small analysis of relationships (friends, lovers and family). it also taught me that i still possess passion and am capable of feeling still on a human level rather then through mental reactions to something i see... a person can still turn me on and make me feel sexy - so i'm not dead inside!
since the trip, things have been pretty literally "status quo" (back to the way they were). it's like the other person my spouse had interest in didn't happen at all... even when confronted with evidence (yes, i snooped. no, i'm not proud.) ...does it make me weak to just allow things back to that status quo? i'm not sure... but i can say this... i deserve much better then that previous norm... and so do they. it's not that it's bad, it's actually pretty good most of the time... but it's not fulfilling and just seems half hearted.
hopefully, we'll find the other half of that heart, or we'll discover that it's ok to walk away... and sometimes that is more noble.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
