sitting in bwu waiting for a connecting flight... people watching to pass the time.
following observations-
poor woman with parkinson's (possibly) trying to open a blister pack (knowing i have trouble with them, appreciating my health).
creepy older men looking questionable.
tetris music or ringtone.
kissing couple getting off the plane.
charging my cell on usb terminals.
thinking of jf and alan ginsberg.
trying to clear my head from married life.
2.11.10
8.10.10
the leaves will soon be falling...
and with this, the scenery will change... vibrant colours that will briefly hide largely naked bodies (the same clothing adorned by adam and eve), which will only be masked shortly. i love autumn. it reminds me of when i was 21 and lost my virginity to a person who deserved much better then i treated them. a very sad lesson on my part, one i wish i thought out more before i set it into motion. c'est la vie.
lately, i've been delving into things that were once outside my comfort zone... largely that seed was planted a while back, and this blog was it's first budding blossom. sexuality is a very, very funny thing... in my past 15 years of any sort of sexuality i've seen various stages of revolution. in the 90s lesbians started coming out more in the open... now we barely bat an eye seeing two women together. now we have a bigger movement where gay men are out in the open and are no longer secondary characters on shows, but are the stars... and they aren't even always sitcoms! there are more and more people embracing the idea of love being something more then a matter simply of mechanics but of a metaphysical/spiritual journey. to me - it's refreshing and sometimes scary... because it should force a person to step back and question what they "know" when they see change happening. there is a quote that i have always liked "tradition hinders progress" - which is tough for me, because i appreciate tradition: family, national, societal, etc. progress is revolution!
with these revolutions we've seen militant groups rise up - both for and against these movements. ...that's expected and in ways, needed... but something truly enlightening has come from these, and it inspires me. feminists who were introduced to me in the late 80s / early 90s were in the vain of riot grrls. punk inspired, penis hating, pro-femme girls who typically lived and died by what kathleen hanna had to say. bikini kill, babes in toyland, huggybear, L7, bratmobile, sleater-kinney... the list goes on and on. before the late 80s when i was coming into my own as a young adult was really before my time, but we've all seen images of the bra burning and picket signs at protests with large women symbols on them... usually not being too supportive of men. ...however, this past week, i found something that floored me in ways:
lately, i've been delving into things that were once outside my comfort zone... largely that seed was planted a while back, and this blog was it's first budding blossom. sexuality is a very, very funny thing... in my past 15 years of any sort of sexuality i've seen various stages of revolution. in the 90s lesbians started coming out more in the open... now we barely bat an eye seeing two women together. now we have a bigger movement where gay men are out in the open and are no longer secondary characters on shows, but are the stars... and they aren't even always sitcoms! there are more and more people embracing the idea of love being something more then a matter simply of mechanics but of a metaphysical/spiritual journey. to me - it's refreshing and sometimes scary... because it should force a person to step back and question what they "know" when they see change happening. there is a quote that i have always liked "tradition hinders progress" - which is tough for me, because i appreciate tradition: family, national, societal, etc. progress is revolution!
with these revolutions we've seen militant groups rise up - both for and against these movements. ...that's expected and in ways, needed... but something truly enlightening has come from these, and it inspires me. feminists who were introduced to me in the late 80s / early 90s were in the vain of riot grrls. punk inspired, penis hating, pro-femme girls who typically lived and died by what kathleen hanna had to say. bikini kill, babes in toyland, huggybear, L7, bratmobile, sleater-kinney... the list goes on and on. before the late 80s when i was coming into my own as a young adult was really before my time, but we've all seen images of the bra burning and picket signs at protests with large women symbols on them... usually not being too supportive of men. ...however, this past week, i found something that floored me in ways:
"Feminists talk a lot about the privileging of penile-vaginal intercourse. We talk a lot about how the word foreplay is misleading at best and sexist at worst. We talk a lot about how most women can’t come from penetration alone, and how treating non-intercourse forms of sex as simply a preamble — not even sex at all, really — trivializes female pleasure.
What we don’t talk about as much is how this assumption trivializes male pleasure. We don’t talk about the pressure it puts on men to “perform” — pressure that, ironically, can make said “performance” more problematic. And we don’t talk as much about the ridiculous limitations it puts on male sexuality. We don’t talk as much about how enjoying full-body sensuality, nipples and ears and toes and hair and the huge range of sexual pleasures available to all human beings, is typically seen as girly. We don’t talk as much about how men who like receiving anal sex are widely assumed to be gay… even if the people they like receiving anal sex from are consistently women. And we don’t talk as much about how this assumption reduces men’s pleasure, their possibilities, their entire sexual beings, to a few inches of erectile tissue between their legs."
What we don’t talk about as much is how this assumption trivializes male pleasure. We don’t talk about the pressure it puts on men to “perform” — pressure that, ironically, can make said “performance” more problematic. And we don’t talk as much about the ridiculous limitations it puts on male sexuality. We don’t talk as much about how enjoying full-body sensuality, nipples and ears and toes and hair and the huge range of sexual pleasures available to all human beings, is typically seen as girly. We don’t talk as much about how men who like receiving anal sex are widely assumed to be gay… even if the people they like receiving anal sex from are consistently women. And we don’t talk as much about how this assumption reduces men’s pleasure, their possibilities, their entire sexual beings, to a few inches of erectile tissue between their legs."
i have been raised to believe sex was intercourse. everything else, simply was foreplay... just like this piece explains... this mindset is of fractured logic and what the piece says makes sense. brilliant! ...and even more impressive to me is that this was written from the perspective of what seems to be a feminist... an open minded, liberal feminist - that truthfully up until i read this, was something i'd file away with the likes of santa, the loch ness monster, and republican/conservative punk* (another thing that exists: see michale graves* of the misfits!) all the feminists i knew were in ways as bad as ultra conservatives "porn is bad, this gender is dominant, we will fight to prove that you and your beliefs are wrong". i fully understand and embrace the idea that my beliefs were (and i'm sure there are some that still are) ignorant, but i'm delighted to find something that made me step back and go "hmmm... you make a terrific point" and allowed me to climb a rung on the ladder of growth...
this article made me stop and think about how i've been taught to look at the sexes and how i perceive sexuality. it's definitely not black and white (this is probably why the gay community flies the rainbow flag?). maybe there are a lot of people who understood this, but it just "clicked" for me... (as i ascend another rung). between this blurbage i quote above, and the one from last week - they have made the following blurb about women and porn resonate with much more appreciation...
"We like watching naked men, we enjoy watching pornography and we love reading steamy fiction that makes our ears glow red. We want wild, lustful sex, and would skip the romantic candle light dinner without thinking twice if we know that mindblowing, orgasmic craziness is what awaits us afterwards… We want erotic fiction that is hot, direct and stimulates our lustful fantasies. We want images of natural, authentic looking men, men who make us curious, men we want to touch, men we can meet in real life…"
i have always felt guilty when looking at porn or reading erotica... mainly after its consumption, as the action of looking at naked (and sometimes, perverse) beauty, provides an excellent distraction from what may ail you in life and whisks you away to some other place where you are with someone other then yourself and your troubles. ...but i feel a revolution within myself too... one of pansexual proportions. one that doesn't look at a gender and say "love this person because your pieces fit, love them for who they are, not what they are" (or what they aren't in the case of my riotgrrl exposure).
it just goes to show... that after years of thinking i know something, that i can relearn... and that truly there can be wisdom from the mouth of babes (in toyland). :)
21.9.10
a retake on extra sprinkles - the follow up with inspiration
so i just reread that posting... and some feelings and thoughts have evolved over the past month.
i'm sure i haven't miraculously matured between now and then, but perhaps a little because i've got some well needed enlightenment since that post. my spouse has decided to take a short break - nothing crazy, just a week plus out of state seeing friends. i'm perfectly content with this, even if friends include "friends" and a decision is reached to be all in or all out of "us". that's not the "ahh haa" moment.
the "ahh haa" moment i've met somewhere along the way of the past month is that i (me, myself, the person who is on the strings) has power here too... that i can make a decision completely independent of what they decide. like pinocchio shouting "i want to be a real boy" i found my voice and have just as much control as gepetto who is holding the strings.
so that's something. i'm not sure what yet, and i'm not sure what my heart holds, and certainly trying to guess what someone else's holds is a complete mystery. i've never had good relationships in life. even in make believe they were flawed. life imitating art, or art imitating life??? i don't know. another one that can fall under "the chicken or the egg" scenario. i'm trying though. i'm really trying. ...and i realize that if i'm the only one trying, then i need to walk away... because i deserve better then this, and i can't tolerate it anymore.
i leave you with a side note... something i found while surfing the internerd... i like it. it feels very true and accurate to me, and i think people need to stop and realize that these fantasies they long for... are often the same fantasy shared by the stranger in our bed that we've laid with for a long time, or a random "friend" for an evening. it's profound, poetic and simple. it may be the best thing i've read in a very long time.
cheers
i'm sure i haven't miraculously matured between now and then, but perhaps a little because i've got some well needed enlightenment since that post. my spouse has decided to take a short break - nothing crazy, just a week plus out of state seeing friends. i'm perfectly content with this, even if friends include "friends" and a decision is reached to be all in or all out of "us". that's not the "ahh haa" moment.
the "ahh haa" moment i've met somewhere along the way of the past month is that i (me, myself, the person who is on the strings) has power here too... that i can make a decision completely independent of what they decide. like pinocchio shouting "i want to be a real boy" i found my voice and have just as much control as gepetto who is holding the strings.
so that's something. i'm not sure what yet, and i'm not sure what my heart holds, and certainly trying to guess what someone else's holds is a complete mystery. i've never had good relationships in life. even in make believe they were flawed. life imitating art, or art imitating life??? i don't know. another one that can fall under "the chicken or the egg" scenario. i'm trying though. i'm really trying. ...and i realize that if i'm the only one trying, then i need to walk away... because i deserve better then this, and i can't tolerate it anymore.
i leave you with a side note... something i found while surfing the internerd... i like it. it feels very true and accurate to me, and i think people need to stop and realize that these fantasies they long for... are often the same fantasy shared by the stranger in our bed that we've laid with for a long time, or a random "friend" for an evening. it's profound, poetic and simple. it may be the best thing i've read in a very long time.
cheers
“In the group of women I work with – spanning the decades from late twenties to early sixties – it is noticeable that youth and beauty don’t dictate the happiest relationship, the kinkiest sex or the most wildly romantic love affair… Men, those devils, watch porn and, weirdly, still lust after women without pneumatic tits, fake tans and plastic sandals. They fall in love and lust with less than perfect female bodies, and are thrilled to bits to get their hands on all the bits women love to hate about themselves. Go out into the street and look at the people holding hands, feeling each other up and gazing passionately down each others cleavages: most of them aren’t world class beauties with gym-toned bodies, they are perfectly ordinary people hiding what someone else finds exceptional and arousing under not-next-season’s clothes and quite possibly a roll of flab. Here’s what women, and men, want: someone to turn them on and make them happy. Funnily enough, all this mainly goes on in the brain, which is why you don’t need botox and silicone to get laid, or loved.”
18.9.10
a moment to reflect and focus on the future
this moment is 0. it's not even, it's not odd... it's a place holder.
yesterday, last week, they are negative values. the past. things that are behind me.
the future represents positive values; moving forward.
moments are something palpable once they are within reach and being lived in moment 0. all we really have is 0... it is the sum of all reality.
past moments and events which have occurred were real, most of them helped define and construct the moment we are in. take for example: love.
we could fall in love and decide to be with that person building up years behind us... taking us to now.
or flip the coin; if you poison someone and go to jail, you are in jail and paying for your past... it's the build up to this very moment.
at the time, it may have been for a cause, but when you are sitting there in a moment of solitude and reflection - what impact did it have, was it worth it?! am i saying that falling in love and murder are pointless, that it all adds up to nothing (0)? maybe. it can certainly feel like that, especially when things aren't working out, or when we are alone.
you put effort and passion into things and sometimes, they don't work or they aren't overly productive.
god... are you there? do you hear me? leaping for faith doesn't mean that you are landing on something solid. but things like faith, love, air are unseen and to some, they would say are nothing... 0.
so what does all this mean, that nothing is worth the effort? that no matter what effort or investment you put into something you will not receive a good return or something worth anything out of the effort?
not a all.
what i'm saying is that if we are standing here at rest, you are at 0... 0 is X and even pirates knew that X marks the spot... (yes, that means mall maps are modern pirate maps - think about that next time you are at the mall trying to figure out where to go - you are a treasure, go forth and have fun with that thought! - now back to our paid programming).
...so you are at 0/X... you are a body in rest. move forward into the future. remember that sometimes, things don't work... you shouldn't look at this as a waste... keep pushing forward into the positive, you don't know how far into it you will end up reaching. most of our minds have the potential to think infinitely, but our bodies will run out long before that... keep pushing past 0... keep reaching for positive integers. you reach for food, you consume it, it's gone... but the result of that food is that it has given you the energy to move you beyond where you were. ...you are back at 0 - but not in the sense that you are or have nothing... it's just a new X... a new place for you to be centered and to move from.
so now that you are here. today. at 0. reflect on this:
look at yourself in the mirror. you can't truly touch yourself in it. try all you want, but that mirror is 0 - you can't reach out and touch the other side... you can only touch 0. now step back away from the mirror. take another step back. move away from 0. turn around and walk into the day. go forward and inspire someone... maybe even yourself. for those of us who are looking to make it through the moment... so be it... sometimes the goal is to just survive the day... but live it fully when you have the opportunity. seize the moment, make 0 worth something - live for something or you will die for nothing.
don't look at it as "nothing will be gained."
think: "what have i got to lose?!"
you should already know my answer will be "nothing"!
yesterday, last week, they are negative values. the past. things that are behind me.
the future represents positive values; moving forward.
moments are something palpable once they are within reach and being lived in moment 0. all we really have is 0... it is the sum of all reality.
past moments and events which have occurred were real, most of them helped define and construct the moment we are in. take for example: love.
we could fall in love and decide to be with that person building up years behind us... taking us to now.
or flip the coin; if you poison someone and go to jail, you are in jail and paying for your past... it's the build up to this very moment.
at the time, it may have been for a cause, but when you are sitting there in a moment of solitude and reflection - what impact did it have, was it worth it?! am i saying that falling in love and murder are pointless, that it all adds up to nothing (0)? maybe. it can certainly feel like that, especially when things aren't working out, or when we are alone.
you put effort and passion into things and sometimes, they don't work or they aren't overly productive.
god... are you there? do you hear me? leaping for faith doesn't mean that you are landing on something solid. but things like faith, love, air are unseen and to some, they would say are nothing... 0.
so what does all this mean, that nothing is worth the effort? that no matter what effort or investment you put into something you will not receive a good return or something worth anything out of the effort?
not a all.
what i'm saying is that if we are standing here at rest, you are at 0... 0 is X and even pirates knew that X marks the spot... (yes, that means mall maps are modern pirate maps - think about that next time you are at the mall trying to figure out where to go - you are a treasure, go forth and have fun with that thought! - now back to our paid programming).
...so you are at 0/X... you are a body in rest. move forward into the future. remember that sometimes, things don't work... you shouldn't look at this as a waste... keep pushing forward into the positive, you don't know how far into it you will end up reaching. most of our minds have the potential to think infinitely, but our bodies will run out long before that... keep pushing past 0... keep reaching for positive integers. you reach for food, you consume it, it's gone... but the result of that food is that it has given you the energy to move you beyond where you were. ...you are back at 0 - but not in the sense that you are or have nothing... it's just a new X... a new place for you to be centered and to move from.
so now that you are here. today. at 0. reflect on this:
look at yourself in the mirror. you can't truly touch yourself in it. try all you want, but that mirror is 0 - you can't reach out and touch the other side... you can only touch 0. now step back away from the mirror. take another step back. move away from 0. turn around and walk into the day. go forward and inspire someone... maybe even yourself. for those of us who are looking to make it through the moment... so be it... sometimes the goal is to just survive the day... but live it fully when you have the opportunity. seize the moment, make 0 worth something - live for something or you will die for nothing.
don't look at it as "nothing will be gained."
think: "what have i got to lose?!"
you should already know my answer will be "nothing"!
30.8.10
extra sprinkles, please
so there are times where we hit a point in life where we don't know what we want, only what we don't... this is the point my spouse and i seem to be at... the potential "take a break" stage. the stage where you want to dig through all the probable places they would hide their dirty little secrets in a quest that you can find a thread of hope, or a crush of conclusion... to cast away your doubts, or to find what evidence you sure exists and then confront them on it. the place where you long to find some ally in a battle that may or may not exist in your mind - but you are certain there is an enemy, or enemies, that you face.
this is the place i currently call home. it is almost always lonely, dark at times and a place where you can find or lose yourself at any given moment. i blame myself mostly. my past has dictated who i am, and unless i change... i am sure to be back. i would cry myself to sleep... but that indicates there is some rest earned over the course of a night... rather, i lay awake, thinking, wondering, worrying... mostly, being alone in a bed with another lonely passenger. sleep does come at some point... it always does... but i would hardly call it rest. at most, it is a break.
...and that brings us back to the "take a break" stage.
i keep reminding myself that one way or another... things work out. ...and they do, it's just a matter of whether or not it is what you want it to be. i don't want this war... i want peace for a thousand years. if/when i find the person who is supposed to stand and lay with me... i hope that is what we have - whether that is my spouse, or someone after my spouse when they make their decision. the battlefield in my head is dark and unknown... when they decide to stay or go, only then will the lights be raised and casualties seen for what they are: either a facade of peace and harmony - or a playground where someone has a skinned knee and damage that only love and reassurance can fix... and maybe ice cream.
this is the place i currently call home. it is almost always lonely, dark at times and a place where you can find or lose yourself at any given moment. i blame myself mostly. my past has dictated who i am, and unless i change... i am sure to be back. i would cry myself to sleep... but that indicates there is some rest earned over the course of a night... rather, i lay awake, thinking, wondering, worrying... mostly, being alone in a bed with another lonely passenger. sleep does come at some point... it always does... but i would hardly call it rest. at most, it is a break.
...and that brings us back to the "take a break" stage.
i keep reminding myself that one way or another... things work out. ...and they do, it's just a matter of whether or not it is what you want it to be. i don't want this war... i want peace for a thousand years. if/when i find the person who is supposed to stand and lay with me... i hope that is what we have - whether that is my spouse, or someone after my spouse when they make their decision. the battlefield in my head is dark and unknown... when they decide to stay or go, only then will the lights be raised and casualties seen for what they are: either a facade of peace and harmony - or a playground where someone has a skinned knee and damage that only love and reassurance can fix... and maybe ice cream.
24.6.10
seriously slacking...
so it's been a while since i came around here... many things going on in my life... some good, some not so good... but all in all... feeling positive and hopeful.
it's probably been a few days before the bp faux pas in the gulf... i can't help but wonder if it's my fault?!
...not really... but if people read this and they share with their friends, then perhaps BP will be able to cap that leak like tupac would cap asses... damn... bet you didn't know i was gansta.
back to where i'm at... so there have been things going on in life and in the world that make me ask things about myself... i'm still not sure of answers, but i think it's good for people to question themselves to make sure their moral compass isn't completely out of whack. i'm not saying i'm dead center pinned on the pole, but i think i'm doing ok. i keep getting up in the am and getting through my day, but i'd like to think i'm making a little bit of progress... gaining a little bit of ground on the enemy within.
...hopefully, i'm not walking into an ambush.
...i'm not being negative, just realistic. i've got a past of self defeat and sabotage, and i'm trying really hard to be strong and confident... to win myself over... to better myself... and ever so slowly...
...i think i am...
it's probably been a few days before the bp faux pas in the gulf... i can't help but wonder if it's my fault?!
...not really... but if people read this and they share with their friends, then perhaps BP will be able to cap that leak like tupac would cap asses... damn... bet you didn't know i was gansta.
back to where i'm at... so there have been things going on in life and in the world that make me ask things about myself... i'm still not sure of answers, but i think it's good for people to question themselves to make sure their moral compass isn't completely out of whack. i'm not saying i'm dead center pinned on the pole, but i think i'm doing ok. i keep getting up in the am and getting through my day, but i'd like to think i'm making a little bit of progress... gaining a little bit of ground on the enemy within.
...hopefully, i'm not walking into an ambush.
...i'm not being negative, just realistic. i've got a past of self defeat and sabotage, and i'm trying really hard to be strong and confident... to win myself over... to better myself... and ever so slowly...
...i think i am...
6.4.10
1.2.10
synchronicity: fact or fiction?
so there have been some extremely random occurrences in my world lately... most of which i probably wouldn't have given much thought to, except i stumbled across the definition of synchronicity and the light went off.
from wikipedia: (more at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synchronicity)
so i've become confident that there is, in fact, a thing called synchronicity and since we are made of matter and all matter is made up of particles and thoughts are electric current made up of particles it is logical that EVERYTHING in this world can be one in the same and at one time or another shared matter. *(yes, i know that sounds crazy... but again, based on some of the stuff i've read recently, it makes sense in a way). so if you take these theories and look at them at least as possibility... it's not such a stretch to think stories/movies like matrix and donnie darko are so far off the mark.
i'll let you dig further into this on your own... some buzz words are: "ether physics", "quantum mechanics" and "baghdad battery" ... welcome to what i like to call my "exploding head theories". they aren't all related, this was simply part of the path down the rabbit hole.
...but to sum it up...
keep your thoughts positive... put out positive thoughts about your life and your role in the universe... it definitely cannot hurt and may be actually beneficial! ... it feels likely to me, so i'm running with it.
from wikipedia: (more at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synchronicity)
"Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events that are causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner. To count as synchronicity, the events should be unlikely to occur together by chance.this was stumbled upon while doing some freelance research into electricity and electric experiments... from there i found some very interesting stuff on nikola tesla and from there some crazy new age / "technology from aliens who are gods" stuff... the really scary thing is; a bit of it almost made sense and seemed plausible... i am getting way off track, but going off track is what got me here initially, so it is relevant... but let me focus.
The concept does not question, or compete with, the notion of causality. Instead, it maintains that just as events may be grouped by cause, they may also be grouped by their meaning. Since meaning is a complex mental construction, subject to conscious and subconscious influence, not every correlation in the grouping of events by meaning needs to have an explanation in terms of cause and effect."
so i've become confident that there is, in fact, a thing called synchronicity and since we are made of matter and all matter is made up of particles and thoughts are electric current made up of particles it is logical that EVERYTHING in this world can be one in the same and at one time or another shared matter. *(yes, i know that sounds crazy... but again, based on some of the stuff i've read recently, it makes sense in a way). so if you take these theories and look at them at least as possibility... it's not such a stretch to think stories/movies like matrix and donnie darko are so far off the mark.
i'll let you dig further into this on your own... some buzz words are: "ether physics", "quantum mechanics" and "baghdad battery" ... welcome to what i like to call my "exploding head theories". they aren't all related, this was simply part of the path down the rabbit hole.
...but to sum it up...
keep your thoughts positive... put out positive thoughts about your life and your role in the universe... it definitely cannot hurt and may be actually beneficial! ... it feels likely to me, so i'm running with it.
8.1.10
the new year is underway
here we are a week in and so far... so good. that's not to say that this new year is not without some things lacking... i have a family member (grandmother) who's been in the hospital for a week or so. i don't think it is too serious, but i may be getting the dumbed down and condensed version to keep family from bugging out. hopefully, it isn't that serious... but prayers would be appreciated.
in other news. it's cold. if you're anywhere but sunny california... i'm sure you know that. the northeast is getting dumped on... even places along the atlantic that rarely see temps below 40 are having to bundle up. poor farmers in FL are having to knit scarves for crops. not to sound cliche... but "so much for global warming". seriously - please kill me now for saying that. whenever i hear a person utter those words, my skin crawls, and i want to punch them right in the cake hole that uttered those very words... which is funny as that is not my demeanor. what's a person to do when they are the very thing they dislike in this world. i'm not sure... but i need to come up with some sort of a solution for that.
relating to that. i'm a person who really tries hard to look for the positive in people and really attempts to like people. ...but... where is the disconnect when a person who likes all other people... dislikes them self?! is it that i absorb all these things that i should normally dislike someone over and somehow apply them to myself? ...or do i dislike myself for liking people i know aren't worthy of my time, effort, sympathy or even empathy? i don't know... i don't want to be so critical of people and judgmental; but i think that inflicting these feelings of disgust upon myself isn't conducive to me being healthy. perhaps it's because i know that deep down, i'm strong and able to absorb and disperse these emotions... i'm not really sure. there are things that i do to myself that aren't healthy... i suppose it's related to people who are "cutters"... something that gives them control and allows them to inflict/express pain, exert control over something... to be the sadist and the masochist with no strings attached and at nobody's expense but their own. ...regardless, i really need to come up with healthy ways to release these emotions (at least closer to healthy then my present means). ...the solution to my problems, becomes the cause... hmm... you've just been witness to an epiphany a moment of my self realization.
take these ramblings for what they are worth... perhaps nothing, but if you can relate; i hope that you can take something away from them... or if you care to share... please post a comment and leave something behind.
in other news. it's cold. if you're anywhere but sunny california... i'm sure you know that. the northeast is getting dumped on... even places along the atlantic that rarely see temps below 40 are having to bundle up. poor farmers in FL are having to knit scarves for crops. not to sound cliche... but "so much for global warming". seriously - please kill me now for saying that. whenever i hear a person utter those words, my skin crawls, and i want to punch them right in the cake hole that uttered those very words... which is funny as that is not my demeanor. what's a person to do when they are the very thing they dislike in this world. i'm not sure... but i need to come up with some sort of a solution for that.
relating to that. i'm a person who really tries hard to look for the positive in people and really attempts to like people. ...but... where is the disconnect when a person who likes all other people... dislikes them self?! is it that i absorb all these things that i should normally dislike someone over and somehow apply them to myself? ...or do i dislike myself for liking people i know aren't worthy of my time, effort, sympathy or even empathy? i don't know... i don't want to be so critical of people and judgmental; but i think that inflicting these feelings of disgust upon myself isn't conducive to me being healthy. perhaps it's because i know that deep down, i'm strong and able to absorb and disperse these emotions... i'm not really sure. there are things that i do to myself that aren't healthy... i suppose it's related to people who are "cutters"... something that gives them control and allows them to inflict/express pain, exert control over something... to be the sadist and the masochist with no strings attached and at nobody's expense but their own. ...regardless, i really need to come up with healthy ways to release these emotions (at least closer to healthy then my present means). ...the solution to my problems, becomes the cause... hmm... you've just been witness to an epiphany a moment of my self realization.
take these ramblings for what they are worth... perhaps nothing, but if you can relate; i hope that you can take something away from them... or if you care to share... please post a comment and leave something behind.
1.1.10
did someone say something crass.. or did a ball drop?
happy new year... 2010... i guess we'll see what's in store for us all won't we? i hope it's a decent year for all of us. i hope we make more sense of things this year and all recover things we lost or took a hit on this year.
xcheersx
xcheersx
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