11.1.13
2012: GTFO
so 2012 is in the rearview mirror and the dust is settling behind us... we're rolling forward into 2013 with good momentum.
i am very optimistic about this year and anticipate changes coming in various shapes and forms.
so far there is one enhancement; i've joined a local run group that meets goes on monday runs out of a bar in the city... it's a little counter-intuitive driving somewhere to go running in my mind, but the sense of having a support network or at least community is very encouraging.
my weight has backslid about 5 lbs this week... i've been eating for crap, so i'm not surprised - so i need to get that back under my thumb... but all in all, i'm not worried and like i said; certainly not surprised.
so on that thought... how have you decided to better your life this year? i'm really not one for doing the resolution thing... but i do want to better my life and this is a good "anchor point" to affix a start to... so here we go - keep me on point, and i'll do the same for you!
so to repeat my tentative list of resolutions for 2013:
1. to thine own self be true (be me; if i don't love it don't do it- with the exception of things like bills and whatnot... also, not going along with what others want me to do if it means selling myself short)
2. get to my target weight healthily!
3. take a lesson from mugatu: "you learn martial arts!" (no billy blanks tai bo for me... gracie school maybe?)
4. use my collection of guitars for more than paper weights and dust collectors - make a new noise.
5. gym 5 days a week minimum (or similar exertion) including my run at least once a week
6. complete a tough mudder or similar
7. professional growth at work (or find something new)
8. unabashed optimism in life (this will be tough, but i want to shed some of my cynicism)
9. find and pursue something that stirs passion in me
10. make sure the folks i love, know it without question
11. take strides to be great at something (sewing maybe?)
12. read more (added that since i've been given at least a dozen books in 2012 and haven't read much)
13. eat less crap (literally and figuratively; eat healthy and not deal with people who expect me to roll over for them with nothing in return)
17.12.12
that's going to sting...
apparently it's time for an annual update.
needless to say, i've been slacking on this... again. i'd like to get to the point where this is updated at least once a week... we'll see, however.
this past year has been an emotional roller coaster with ups and downs... some days, i'd rather have been too short for the ride, but i've been in the cart and holding on for dear life. even with tears streaming from my eyes from joy or sorrow, i've held onto the bar white knuckled at times trying to enjoy the ride.
while in an exhausted point of my marriage, i took an emotional refuge in a friend and it was uncovered by my spouse... nothing happened beyond a handful of flirty emails/texts, which is still a breach of integrity - especially when the person hurt in the matter feels crushed. i was at the point of leaving and had been trying to make that clear. however, it turned things around for a spell and reignited us emotionally after we talked things out. i appreciate what came out of it... but very little has truly changed.
this is unfortunate and i'm still trying to remedy that.
there was someone i cared for greatly who passed about a month after.
between these two things... i don't feel the same. something changed. of course something changed... life is a constant state of change. however, i mean in how i look at things, how i feel, think and learn... i feel like a part of me died inside. i don't know what, or how to fix it.
i'm still being optimistic, but can't help but be that person walking up the street at night, looking back thinking i hear footsteps, thinking i see movement in the shadows, thinking that i'm being stalked. fight or flight tends to be our reaction to this emotion. a healthy dose of fear keeps us alive. however, it can also hasten our demise.
i am so very thankful for the guys and girls in my life who encourage me to stay positive... some days, they kindness of others is solely what keeps me going.
...and for you, i will try to continues this walk into my night with confidence and poise, not running away, arms flailing... but walking, aware and ready for whatever the shadows contain... whatever the future contains.
life is what we make it and i'm trying to make it wonderful... one day at a time... hopefully, with more updates.
happy holidays to all.
...and to the one or two friends i've been able to open up to more than others and have been there for me bearing my more shadowy corners... a special "thank you" - i'd probably have lost my mind. someday, i'd love to provide a certain level of servitude to you as thanks... whether that be in this life or the next - you are appreciated dearly!
needless to say, i've been slacking on this... again. i'd like to get to the point where this is updated at least once a week... we'll see, however.
this past year has been an emotional roller coaster with ups and downs... some days, i'd rather have been too short for the ride, but i've been in the cart and holding on for dear life. even with tears streaming from my eyes from joy or sorrow, i've held onto the bar white knuckled at times trying to enjoy the ride.
while in an exhausted point of my marriage, i took an emotional refuge in a friend and it was uncovered by my spouse... nothing happened beyond a handful of flirty emails/texts, which is still a breach of integrity - especially when the person hurt in the matter feels crushed. i was at the point of leaving and had been trying to make that clear. however, it turned things around for a spell and reignited us emotionally after we talked things out. i appreciate what came out of it... but very little has truly changed.
this is unfortunate and i'm still trying to remedy that.
there was someone i cared for greatly who passed about a month after.
between these two things... i don't feel the same. something changed. of course something changed... life is a constant state of change. however, i mean in how i look at things, how i feel, think and learn... i feel like a part of me died inside. i don't know what, or how to fix it.
i'm still being optimistic, but can't help but be that person walking up the street at night, looking back thinking i hear footsteps, thinking i see movement in the shadows, thinking that i'm being stalked. fight or flight tends to be our reaction to this emotion. a healthy dose of fear keeps us alive. however, it can also hasten our demise.
i am so very thankful for the guys and girls in my life who encourage me to stay positive... some days, they kindness of others is solely what keeps me going.
...and for you, i will try to continues this walk into my night with confidence and poise, not running away, arms flailing... but walking, aware and ready for whatever the shadows contain... whatever the future contains.
life is what we make it and i'm trying to make it wonderful... one day at a time... hopefully, with more updates.
happy holidays to all.
...and to the one or two friends i've been able to open up to more than others and have been there for me bearing my more shadowy corners... a special "thank you" - i'd probably have lost my mind. someday, i'd love to provide a certain level of servitude to you as thanks... whether that be in this life or the next - you are appreciated dearly!
21.2.12
the ticking of a clock
almost a year since the last update... that's atrocious. this is why people don't read this... ok, lack of advertising and any popular culture hooks don't help either. ...but i will keep writing with varying frequency in hopes that someone finds this and feels a connection to my words.
i've hit a point where i plan to take a stand with my spouse and therefore, with myself. the point was set for january 1, 2012... that came and went quietly. this new one, i plan on a hard stop. and ultimate "shit or get off the pot" for us both.
my birthday in a couple months. all or nothing. a goal has been outlined and if that goal isn't met, i am done. either way, "happy birthday to me".
i have a couple friends who have been there for me, giving me good information and courage to know that i am not alone in this situation and one of them even being supportive of questions and doubts... a wonderful sounding wall letting me know that i am sane and have a spark left - a life beyond whatever happens. various motivations aside, that hope is inspiring. someone that you can admit something you doubted about yourself and internalized for so long, it felt like a lie. something which made you feel weak, and then that person tells you "it's ok... you're not abnormal, you are ok." sadly, a place where i have never been able to get to with my spouse.
there was a recent buzz in the media about two women who were raising their child as gender neutral, and it pissed me off. granted, i try to keep this blog that way keeping an androgyny to this so people aren't turned off or put out by identifying based on his or her gender. i want to strike a chord with people who feel the content is relevant to their heart or desires... not what they have in their pants. i hope that happens.
i don't care if you are a man who loves a woman, a man who loves a man, a man who loves his woman who fucks him like a man, a woman who fucks the man they love like a woman, a woman who loves a woman, a woman who loves a man or a communal/tribal variation of all of the above... (god willing) we all have our kinks and loves that someone else may cringe at, and have at least one other person we can share these feelings with. i want to love, however i feel like it... no convenient definitions that lock me into some standard or traditional role.
frank zappa said "without deviations from the norm, progress is not possible." and some people would argue that while true, there are lines that should not be crossed. my thought is, if it is not a corrupting action against someones will and if it feels good... who are we to define "right or wrong" to someone we may not agree with... to clarify, i am speaking sexually. there are obvious rights and wrongs as well as innocence that should be held sacred (pedophiles be warned - i pray you seek and find help before you take any action... else you should be subjects to your physical, emotional and psychological terrors!) as someone who is confident they were assaulted as a child, i can't stand the thought of that perpetuation!
as usual, i've deviated from my initial point.
my mental and physical health are now unraveling. stresses are taking their toll and driving me down that path of depression that i don't care to go down. i'm hitting my critical mass/tipping point and need to take action. so i am. i don't want to end my life... i really don't. so i would rather start my life anew as opposed to entertaining this negativity. however, that being said - i am dangling from the end of my proverbial rope... this needs to end the current direction things are headed.
i've expressed my total frustration to my spouse; of life and hope for change or death... period.
end transmission.
i've hit a point where i plan to take a stand with my spouse and therefore, with myself. the point was set for january 1, 2012... that came and went quietly. this new one, i plan on a hard stop. and ultimate "shit or get off the pot" for us both.
my birthday in a couple months. all or nothing. a goal has been outlined and if that goal isn't met, i am done. either way, "happy birthday to me".
i have a couple friends who have been there for me, giving me good information and courage to know that i am not alone in this situation and one of them even being supportive of questions and doubts... a wonderful sounding wall letting me know that i am sane and have a spark left - a life beyond whatever happens. various motivations aside, that hope is inspiring. someone that you can admit something you doubted about yourself and internalized for so long, it felt like a lie. something which made you feel weak, and then that person tells you "it's ok... you're not abnormal, you are ok." sadly, a place where i have never been able to get to with my spouse.
there was a recent buzz in the media about two women who were raising their child as gender neutral, and it pissed me off. granted, i try to keep this blog that way keeping an androgyny to this so people aren't turned off or put out by identifying based on his or her gender. i want to strike a chord with people who feel the content is relevant to their heart or desires... not what they have in their pants. i hope that happens.
i don't care if you are a man who loves a woman, a man who loves a man, a man who loves his woman who fucks him like a man, a woman who fucks the man they love like a woman, a woman who loves a woman, a woman who loves a man or a communal/tribal variation of all of the above... (god willing) we all have our kinks and loves that someone else may cringe at, and have at least one other person we can share these feelings with. i want to love, however i feel like it... no convenient definitions that lock me into some standard or traditional role.
frank zappa said "without deviations from the norm, progress is not possible." and some people would argue that while true, there are lines that should not be crossed. my thought is, if it is not a corrupting action against someones will and if it feels good... who are we to define "right or wrong" to someone we may not agree with... to clarify, i am speaking sexually. there are obvious rights and wrongs as well as innocence that should be held sacred (pedophiles be warned - i pray you seek and find help before you take any action... else you should be subjects to your physical, emotional and psychological terrors!) as someone who is confident they were assaulted as a child, i can't stand the thought of that perpetuation!
as usual, i've deviated from my initial point.
my mental and physical health are now unraveling. stresses are taking their toll and driving me down that path of depression that i don't care to go down. i'm hitting my critical mass/tipping point and need to take action. so i am. i don't want to end my life... i really don't. so i would rather start my life anew as opposed to entertaining this negativity. however, that being said - i am dangling from the end of my proverbial rope... this needs to end the current direction things are headed.
i've expressed my total frustration to my spouse; of life and hope for change or death... period.
end transmission.
2.4.11
i am a box of coward marked "return to sender"
i sink back... watching... always watching. wanting to make a move... wanting to speak up; but i don't. i sit mulling over "what ifs" and ultimately hope it's only a drill.
what to do?... what to do?!
how to dislodge my head from my posterior end and do something... do anything more then just sit here sans action... waiting to die... waiting to LIVE?!
the only reason i can come up with for my inaction which may come across as "complacency" is cowardice.
i am afraid to take action for fear of some result - letting someone down, failing, losing money, losing friends, losing face, etc. so rather then actually standing up and taking action... i wait. i sit. i let the world pass me by in all its splendor.
i keep trying to do something (anything) but do i really? is the problem that i "TRY" rather then DO? i think so.
i would like to think that i am this spontaneous creature full of wonderment. alas... i am boring. i am fearful. i am mortal as any other mortal comes.
however, what it seems i do have is an abundance of cowardice. more cowardly then the lion who finally finds his roar in the wizard of oz. more cowardly then i care to admit.
i want to move out of the shadows... truly i do...
i have visions of grandeur that could really help people and make the world better (at least locally)... so why do i do nothing about them?
i realize that some of them require startup/capital or the ability to make a mistake financially (which in these times, i think most people are aware of) however, there are people doing it... there are people who are willing to bare their asses to really try (not "try") to make this world better (even to make a buck).
regardless... there definitely is a separation of me vs them... i want to be one of the people who inspire... but unfortunately, i've inherited the traits of my parents... fear, self doubt, self consciousness, and depression... granted, i only know one of my parents, so what does that afford me...?
it may afford me the ability to write my own destiny and yell at the top of my lungs "the world is my oyster - my father was napoleon and i will conquer you world!!!" ...perhaps nothing that huge, but still... (and perhaps this ignorance is where i can draw hope)...
my limitation now and forever has been/will be one thing: myself!
excuses are like ass holes... we all have them, and they all stink... i'm trying to find a butt plug big enough to shut mine up long enough to change my frame of mind... to change my perspective and quit thinking "in the box"... i, unlike some people, really can think outside of the box and encourage others - but i (personally) can't take action...
i've managed to trap myself in the proverbial box...
in the legend of pandora's box - the box is a thing of curiosity and wisdom which was not to be opened by mortals, however, man (in all of our infinite wisdom) decides to open it letting out terrible things into the world... the one thing that remained in the box was hope. does that mean that hope is trapped, or metaphorically that hope is inside of us?
i can tell you this - my name is not "hope'. ...but here i am, stuck inside of this box that i've limited myself to. i am "trying" to break out... but i really think i need to do more then say i want out... i need to learn that verbs are words of action - but if left in form of text, they are nothing more then part of a story... actions are actions... we live and die by them... and while my inaction is something that is killing me, what it will take to live is action.
i need to move away from these shadows, with my cowardice as chains... break them down - shatter them... use them as a motivation to never come back here; to stand upright and step out of this box/cell...
i am trying.
i want to do more then "try" - i want to do.
i want to take action.
i want to be the motivation through my actions to have others take action... not just "try".
fuck this ambivalence and cowardice and the stock pile of excuses that hold us back.
as my uncle would say "jfdi... just fuckin do it"
...with that... i am done with this text, and getting up and out.
what to do?... what to do?!
how to dislodge my head from my posterior end and do something... do anything more then just sit here sans action... waiting to die... waiting to LIVE?!
the only reason i can come up with for my inaction which may come across as "complacency" is cowardice.
i am afraid to take action for fear of some result - letting someone down, failing, losing money, losing friends, losing face, etc. so rather then actually standing up and taking action... i wait. i sit. i let the world pass me by in all its splendor.
i keep trying to do something (anything) but do i really? is the problem that i "TRY" rather then DO? i think so.
i would like to think that i am this spontaneous creature full of wonderment. alas... i am boring. i am fearful. i am mortal as any other mortal comes.
however, what it seems i do have is an abundance of cowardice. more cowardly then the lion who finally finds his roar in the wizard of oz. more cowardly then i care to admit.
i want to move out of the shadows... truly i do...
i have visions of grandeur that could really help people and make the world better (at least locally)... so why do i do nothing about them?
i realize that some of them require startup/capital or the ability to make a mistake financially (which in these times, i think most people are aware of) however, there are people doing it... there are people who are willing to bare their asses to really try (not "try") to make this world better (even to make a buck).
regardless... there definitely is a separation of me vs them... i want to be one of the people who inspire... but unfortunately, i've inherited the traits of my parents... fear, self doubt, self consciousness, and depression... granted, i only know one of my parents, so what does that afford me...?
it may afford me the ability to write my own destiny and yell at the top of my lungs "the world is my oyster - my father was napoleon and i will conquer you world!!!" ...perhaps nothing that huge, but still... (and perhaps this ignorance is where i can draw hope)...
my limitation now and forever has been/will be one thing: myself!
excuses are like ass holes... we all have them, and they all stink... i'm trying to find a butt plug big enough to shut mine up long enough to change my frame of mind... to change my perspective and quit thinking "in the box"... i, unlike some people, really can think outside of the box and encourage others - but i (personally) can't take action...
i've managed to trap myself in the proverbial box...
in the legend of pandora's box - the box is a thing of curiosity and wisdom which was not to be opened by mortals, however, man (in all of our infinite wisdom) decides to open it letting out terrible things into the world... the one thing that remained in the box was hope. does that mean that hope is trapped, or metaphorically that hope is inside of us?
i can tell you this - my name is not "hope'. ...but here i am, stuck inside of this box that i've limited myself to. i am "trying" to break out... but i really think i need to do more then say i want out... i need to learn that verbs are words of action - but if left in form of text, they are nothing more then part of a story... actions are actions... we live and die by them... and while my inaction is something that is killing me, what it will take to live is action.
i need to move away from these shadows, with my cowardice as chains... break them down - shatter them... use them as a motivation to never come back here; to stand upright and step out of this box/cell...
i am trying.
i want to do more then "try" - i want to do.
i want to take action.
i want to be the motivation through my actions to have others take action... not just "try".
fuck this ambivalence and cowardice and the stock pile of excuses that hold us back.
as my uncle would say "jfdi... just fuckin do it"
...with that... i am done with this text, and getting up and out.
21.2.11
in the blink of an eye; in coma terms
it's been over 4 months and feels like minutes. my last posting was when i was flying up to boston to see my best friend and clear my head and calm my aching heart. ...a couple things happened.
a very good friend of mine showed up to the party while i was in town, high as a kite and making a scene (and not a good kind, but is there ever when the term "making a scene" is used?). i attempted to talk to them and get them to open up to me... that didn't happen and we haven't talked since. text messages and voicemail have gone unresponded to. this is someone that i've been really close to for 15 years... it breaks my heart. especially at a time when my marriage was questionable, this person was a close friend (perhaps we both had ulterior motives through the years, there was definitely innocent flirting in the past) who i confided in. when my spouse was talking to (and interested in) someone else, this person was here for me, and had been for a long, long time.
i keep wondering where to call off attempts to reach out... one more? how about one more after that? i'm not sure how they could just walk away from the history we had. between this and my spouse, i've learned that love is something not to take for granted. while some things have mended with my spouse (probably somewhat because their interest in the other person was nonreciprocal) it is far from perfect... but i'm not sure anything in life is ever perfect when you are trying to reach perfection, or at least an improved status of something; because the very nature of improvement is to put something under a critical eye of scrutiny. i certainly don't know if things are going to last with my spouse, but i certainly hope so... i don't want to admit defeat, or contribute to defeat... i would much rather be a part of something successful then something fleeting... but i can't fix everything and am equally flawed with quirks and my own issues, therefore contributing to the destruction i am trying to avoid.
i am trying to work on me; said quirks, my patience, communication, affection, attention and spirituality. as a firm believer in the concept of "it's not the situation... it's your reactions to the situation" that impacts our lives... basically reinforcing that we can't change people, only ourselves. that doesn't mean you stick around and keep allowing someone to treat you poorly... there is also a big part of me that follows the "we deserve what we tolerate" logic... but we will never find someone who makes us happy all of the time... and in truth, if you do, there is some deception there and they are probably trying to sell you something or worse.
my trip accomplished what i needed it to; a pause on where i was at in life, and a small analysis of relationships (friends, lovers and family). it also taught me that i still possess passion and am capable of feeling still on a human level rather then through mental reactions to something i see... a person can still turn me on and make me feel sexy - so i'm not dead inside!
since the trip, things have been pretty literally "status quo" (back to the way they were). it's like the other person my spouse had interest in didn't happen at all... even when confronted with evidence (yes, i snooped. no, i'm not proud.) ...does it make me weak to just allow things back to that status quo? i'm not sure... but i can say this... i deserve much better then that previous norm... and so do they. it's not that it's bad, it's actually pretty good most of the time... but it's not fulfilling and just seems half hearted.
hopefully, we'll find the other half of that heart, or we'll discover that it's ok to walk away... and sometimes that is more noble.
a very good friend of mine showed up to the party while i was in town, high as a kite and making a scene (and not a good kind, but is there ever when the term "making a scene" is used?). i attempted to talk to them and get them to open up to me... that didn't happen and we haven't talked since. text messages and voicemail have gone unresponded to. this is someone that i've been really close to for 15 years... it breaks my heart. especially at a time when my marriage was questionable, this person was a close friend (perhaps we both had ulterior motives through the years, there was definitely innocent flirting in the past) who i confided in. when my spouse was talking to (and interested in) someone else, this person was here for me, and had been for a long, long time.
i keep wondering where to call off attempts to reach out... one more? how about one more after that? i'm not sure how they could just walk away from the history we had. between this and my spouse, i've learned that love is something not to take for granted. while some things have mended with my spouse (probably somewhat because their interest in the other person was nonreciprocal) it is far from perfect... but i'm not sure anything in life is ever perfect when you are trying to reach perfection, or at least an improved status of something; because the very nature of improvement is to put something under a critical eye of scrutiny. i certainly don't know if things are going to last with my spouse, but i certainly hope so... i don't want to admit defeat, or contribute to defeat... i would much rather be a part of something successful then something fleeting... but i can't fix everything and am equally flawed with quirks and my own issues, therefore contributing to the destruction i am trying to avoid.
i am trying to work on me; said quirks, my patience, communication, affection, attention and spirituality. as a firm believer in the concept of "it's not the situation... it's your reactions to the situation" that impacts our lives... basically reinforcing that we can't change people, only ourselves. that doesn't mean you stick around and keep allowing someone to treat you poorly... there is also a big part of me that follows the "we deserve what we tolerate" logic... but we will never find someone who makes us happy all of the time... and in truth, if you do, there is some deception there and they are probably trying to sell you something or worse.
my trip accomplished what i needed it to; a pause on where i was at in life, and a small analysis of relationships (friends, lovers and family). it also taught me that i still possess passion and am capable of feeling still on a human level rather then through mental reactions to something i see... a person can still turn me on and make me feel sexy - so i'm not dead inside!
since the trip, things have been pretty literally "status quo" (back to the way they were). it's like the other person my spouse had interest in didn't happen at all... even when confronted with evidence (yes, i snooped. no, i'm not proud.) ...does it make me weak to just allow things back to that status quo? i'm not sure... but i can say this... i deserve much better then that previous norm... and so do they. it's not that it's bad, it's actually pretty good most of the time... but it's not fulfilling and just seems half hearted.
hopefully, we'll find the other half of that heart, or we'll discover that it's ok to walk away... and sometimes that is more noble.
2.11.10
what goes up
sitting in bwu waiting for a connecting flight... people watching to pass the time.
following observations-
poor woman with parkinson's (possibly) trying to open a blister pack (knowing i have trouble with them, appreciating my health).
creepy older men looking questionable.
tetris music or ringtone.
kissing couple getting off the plane.
charging my cell on usb terminals.
thinking of jf and alan ginsberg.
trying to clear my head from married life.
following observations-
poor woman with parkinson's (possibly) trying to open a blister pack (knowing i have trouble with them, appreciating my health).
creepy older men looking questionable.
tetris music or ringtone.
kissing couple getting off the plane.
charging my cell on usb terminals.
thinking of jf and alan ginsberg.
trying to clear my head from married life.
8.10.10
the leaves will soon be falling...
and with this, the scenery will change... vibrant colours that will briefly hide largely naked bodies (the same clothing adorned by adam and eve), which will only be masked shortly. i love autumn. it reminds me of when i was 21 and lost my virginity to a person who deserved much better then i treated them. a very sad lesson on my part, one i wish i thought out more before i set it into motion. c'est la vie.
lately, i've been delving into things that were once outside my comfort zone... largely that seed was planted a while back, and this blog was it's first budding blossom. sexuality is a very, very funny thing... in my past 15 years of any sort of sexuality i've seen various stages of revolution. in the 90s lesbians started coming out more in the open... now we barely bat an eye seeing two women together. now we have a bigger movement where gay men are out in the open and are no longer secondary characters on shows, but are the stars... and they aren't even always sitcoms! there are more and more people embracing the idea of love being something more then a matter simply of mechanics but of a metaphysical/spiritual journey. to me - it's refreshing and sometimes scary... because it should force a person to step back and question what they "know" when they see change happening. there is a quote that i have always liked "tradition hinders progress" - which is tough for me, because i appreciate tradition: family, national, societal, etc. progress is revolution!
with these revolutions we've seen militant groups rise up - both for and against these movements. ...that's expected and in ways, needed... but something truly enlightening has come from these, and it inspires me. feminists who were introduced to me in the late 80s / early 90s were in the vain of riot grrls. punk inspired, penis hating, pro-femme girls who typically lived and died by what kathleen hanna had to say. bikini kill, babes in toyland, huggybear, L7, bratmobile, sleater-kinney... the list goes on and on. before the late 80s when i was coming into my own as a young adult was really before my time, but we've all seen images of the bra burning and picket signs at protests with large women symbols on them... usually not being too supportive of men. ...however, this past week, i found something that floored me in ways:
lately, i've been delving into things that were once outside my comfort zone... largely that seed was planted a while back, and this blog was it's first budding blossom. sexuality is a very, very funny thing... in my past 15 years of any sort of sexuality i've seen various stages of revolution. in the 90s lesbians started coming out more in the open... now we barely bat an eye seeing two women together. now we have a bigger movement where gay men are out in the open and are no longer secondary characters on shows, but are the stars... and they aren't even always sitcoms! there are more and more people embracing the idea of love being something more then a matter simply of mechanics but of a metaphysical/spiritual journey. to me - it's refreshing and sometimes scary... because it should force a person to step back and question what they "know" when they see change happening. there is a quote that i have always liked "tradition hinders progress" - which is tough for me, because i appreciate tradition: family, national, societal, etc. progress is revolution!
with these revolutions we've seen militant groups rise up - both for and against these movements. ...that's expected and in ways, needed... but something truly enlightening has come from these, and it inspires me. feminists who were introduced to me in the late 80s / early 90s were in the vain of riot grrls. punk inspired, penis hating, pro-femme girls who typically lived and died by what kathleen hanna had to say. bikini kill, babes in toyland, huggybear, L7, bratmobile, sleater-kinney... the list goes on and on. before the late 80s when i was coming into my own as a young adult was really before my time, but we've all seen images of the bra burning and picket signs at protests with large women symbols on them... usually not being too supportive of men. ...however, this past week, i found something that floored me in ways:
"Feminists talk a lot about the privileging of penile-vaginal intercourse. We talk a lot about how the word foreplay is misleading at best and sexist at worst. We talk a lot about how most women can’t come from penetration alone, and how treating non-intercourse forms of sex as simply a preamble — not even sex at all, really — trivializes female pleasure.
What we don’t talk about as much is how this assumption trivializes male pleasure. We don’t talk about the pressure it puts on men to “perform” — pressure that, ironically, can make said “performance” more problematic. And we don’t talk as much about the ridiculous limitations it puts on male sexuality. We don’t talk as much about how enjoying full-body sensuality, nipples and ears and toes and hair and the huge range of sexual pleasures available to all human beings, is typically seen as girly. We don’t talk as much about how men who like receiving anal sex are widely assumed to be gay… even if the people they like receiving anal sex from are consistently women. And we don’t talk as much about how this assumption reduces men’s pleasure, their possibilities, their entire sexual beings, to a few inches of erectile tissue between their legs."
What we don’t talk about as much is how this assumption trivializes male pleasure. We don’t talk about the pressure it puts on men to “perform” — pressure that, ironically, can make said “performance” more problematic. And we don’t talk as much about the ridiculous limitations it puts on male sexuality. We don’t talk as much about how enjoying full-body sensuality, nipples and ears and toes and hair and the huge range of sexual pleasures available to all human beings, is typically seen as girly. We don’t talk as much about how men who like receiving anal sex are widely assumed to be gay… even if the people they like receiving anal sex from are consistently women. And we don’t talk as much about how this assumption reduces men’s pleasure, their possibilities, their entire sexual beings, to a few inches of erectile tissue between their legs."
i have been raised to believe sex was intercourse. everything else, simply was foreplay... just like this piece explains... this mindset is of fractured logic and what the piece says makes sense. brilliant! ...and even more impressive to me is that this was written from the perspective of what seems to be a feminist... an open minded, liberal feminist - that truthfully up until i read this, was something i'd file away with the likes of santa, the loch ness monster, and republican/conservative punk* (another thing that exists: see michale graves* of the misfits!) all the feminists i knew were in ways as bad as ultra conservatives "porn is bad, this gender is dominant, we will fight to prove that you and your beliefs are wrong". i fully understand and embrace the idea that my beliefs were (and i'm sure there are some that still are) ignorant, but i'm delighted to find something that made me step back and go "hmmm... you make a terrific point" and allowed me to climb a rung on the ladder of growth...
this article made me stop and think about how i've been taught to look at the sexes and how i perceive sexuality. it's definitely not black and white (this is probably why the gay community flies the rainbow flag?). maybe there are a lot of people who understood this, but it just "clicked" for me... (as i ascend another rung). between this blurbage i quote above, and the one from last week - they have made the following blurb about women and porn resonate with much more appreciation...
"We like watching naked men, we enjoy watching pornography and we love reading steamy fiction that makes our ears glow red. We want wild, lustful sex, and would skip the romantic candle light dinner without thinking twice if we know that mindblowing, orgasmic craziness is what awaits us afterwards… We want erotic fiction that is hot, direct and stimulates our lustful fantasies. We want images of natural, authentic looking men, men who make us curious, men we want to touch, men we can meet in real life…"
i have always felt guilty when looking at porn or reading erotica... mainly after its consumption, as the action of looking at naked (and sometimes, perverse) beauty, provides an excellent distraction from what may ail you in life and whisks you away to some other place where you are with someone other then yourself and your troubles. ...but i feel a revolution within myself too... one of pansexual proportions. one that doesn't look at a gender and say "love this person because your pieces fit, love them for who they are, not what they are" (or what they aren't in the case of my riotgrrl exposure).
it just goes to show... that after years of thinking i know something, that i can relearn... and that truly there can be wisdom from the mouth of babes (in toyland). :)
21.9.10
a retake on extra sprinkles - the follow up with inspiration
so i just reread that posting... and some feelings and thoughts have evolved over the past month.
i'm sure i haven't miraculously matured between now and then, but perhaps a little because i've got some well needed enlightenment since that post. my spouse has decided to take a short break - nothing crazy, just a week plus out of state seeing friends. i'm perfectly content with this, even if friends include "friends" and a decision is reached to be all in or all out of "us". that's not the "ahh haa" moment.
the "ahh haa" moment i've met somewhere along the way of the past month is that i (me, myself, the person who is on the strings) has power here too... that i can make a decision completely independent of what they decide. like pinocchio shouting "i want to be a real boy" i found my voice and have just as much control as gepetto who is holding the strings.
so that's something. i'm not sure what yet, and i'm not sure what my heart holds, and certainly trying to guess what someone else's holds is a complete mystery. i've never had good relationships in life. even in make believe they were flawed. life imitating art, or art imitating life??? i don't know. another one that can fall under "the chicken or the egg" scenario. i'm trying though. i'm really trying. ...and i realize that if i'm the only one trying, then i need to walk away... because i deserve better then this, and i can't tolerate it anymore.
i leave you with a side note... something i found while surfing the internerd... i like it. it feels very true and accurate to me, and i think people need to stop and realize that these fantasies they long for... are often the same fantasy shared by the stranger in our bed that we've laid with for a long time, or a random "friend" for an evening. it's profound, poetic and simple. it may be the best thing i've read in a very long time.
cheers
i'm sure i haven't miraculously matured between now and then, but perhaps a little because i've got some well needed enlightenment since that post. my spouse has decided to take a short break - nothing crazy, just a week plus out of state seeing friends. i'm perfectly content with this, even if friends include "friends" and a decision is reached to be all in or all out of "us". that's not the "ahh haa" moment.
the "ahh haa" moment i've met somewhere along the way of the past month is that i (me, myself, the person who is on the strings) has power here too... that i can make a decision completely independent of what they decide. like pinocchio shouting "i want to be a real boy" i found my voice and have just as much control as gepetto who is holding the strings.
so that's something. i'm not sure what yet, and i'm not sure what my heart holds, and certainly trying to guess what someone else's holds is a complete mystery. i've never had good relationships in life. even in make believe they were flawed. life imitating art, or art imitating life??? i don't know. another one that can fall under "the chicken or the egg" scenario. i'm trying though. i'm really trying. ...and i realize that if i'm the only one trying, then i need to walk away... because i deserve better then this, and i can't tolerate it anymore.
i leave you with a side note... something i found while surfing the internerd... i like it. it feels very true and accurate to me, and i think people need to stop and realize that these fantasies they long for... are often the same fantasy shared by the stranger in our bed that we've laid with for a long time, or a random "friend" for an evening. it's profound, poetic and simple. it may be the best thing i've read in a very long time.
cheers
“In the group of women I work with – spanning the decades from late twenties to early sixties – it is noticeable that youth and beauty don’t dictate the happiest relationship, the kinkiest sex or the most wildly romantic love affair… Men, those devils, watch porn and, weirdly, still lust after women without pneumatic tits, fake tans and plastic sandals. They fall in love and lust with less than perfect female bodies, and are thrilled to bits to get their hands on all the bits women love to hate about themselves. Go out into the street and look at the people holding hands, feeling each other up and gazing passionately down each others cleavages: most of them aren’t world class beauties with gym-toned bodies, they are perfectly ordinary people hiding what someone else finds exceptional and arousing under not-next-season’s clothes and quite possibly a roll of flab. Here’s what women, and men, want: someone to turn them on and make them happy. Funnily enough, all this mainly goes on in the brain, which is why you don’t need botox and silicone to get laid, or loved.”
18.9.10
a moment to reflect and focus on the future
this moment is 0. it's not even, it's not odd... it's a place holder.
yesterday, last week, they are negative values. the past. things that are behind me.
the future represents positive values; moving forward.
moments are something palpable once they are within reach and being lived in moment 0. all we really have is 0... it is the sum of all reality.
past moments and events which have occurred were real, most of them helped define and construct the moment we are in. take for example: love.
we could fall in love and decide to be with that person building up years behind us... taking us to now.
or flip the coin; if you poison someone and go to jail, you are in jail and paying for your past... it's the build up to this very moment.
at the time, it may have been for a cause, but when you are sitting there in a moment of solitude and reflection - what impact did it have, was it worth it?! am i saying that falling in love and murder are pointless, that it all adds up to nothing (0)? maybe. it can certainly feel like that, especially when things aren't working out, or when we are alone.
you put effort and passion into things and sometimes, they don't work or they aren't overly productive.
god... are you there? do you hear me? leaping for faith doesn't mean that you are landing on something solid. but things like faith, love, air are unseen and to some, they would say are nothing... 0.
so what does all this mean, that nothing is worth the effort? that no matter what effort or investment you put into something you will not receive a good return or something worth anything out of the effort?
not a all.
what i'm saying is that if we are standing here at rest, you are at 0... 0 is X and even pirates knew that X marks the spot... (yes, that means mall maps are modern pirate maps - think about that next time you are at the mall trying to figure out where to go - you are a treasure, go forth and have fun with that thought! - now back to our paid programming).
...so you are at 0/X... you are a body in rest. move forward into the future. remember that sometimes, things don't work... you shouldn't look at this as a waste... keep pushing forward into the positive, you don't know how far into it you will end up reaching. most of our minds have the potential to think infinitely, but our bodies will run out long before that... keep pushing past 0... keep reaching for positive integers. you reach for food, you consume it, it's gone... but the result of that food is that it has given you the energy to move you beyond where you were. ...you are back at 0 - but not in the sense that you are or have nothing... it's just a new X... a new place for you to be centered and to move from.
so now that you are here. today. at 0. reflect on this:
look at yourself in the mirror. you can't truly touch yourself in it. try all you want, but that mirror is 0 - you can't reach out and touch the other side... you can only touch 0. now step back away from the mirror. take another step back. move away from 0. turn around and walk into the day. go forward and inspire someone... maybe even yourself. for those of us who are looking to make it through the moment... so be it... sometimes the goal is to just survive the day... but live it fully when you have the opportunity. seize the moment, make 0 worth something - live for something or you will die for nothing.
don't look at it as "nothing will be gained."
think: "what have i got to lose?!"
you should already know my answer will be "nothing"!
yesterday, last week, they are negative values. the past. things that are behind me.
the future represents positive values; moving forward.
moments are something palpable once they are within reach and being lived in moment 0. all we really have is 0... it is the sum of all reality.
past moments and events which have occurred were real, most of them helped define and construct the moment we are in. take for example: love.
we could fall in love and decide to be with that person building up years behind us... taking us to now.
or flip the coin; if you poison someone and go to jail, you are in jail and paying for your past... it's the build up to this very moment.
at the time, it may have been for a cause, but when you are sitting there in a moment of solitude and reflection - what impact did it have, was it worth it?! am i saying that falling in love and murder are pointless, that it all adds up to nothing (0)? maybe. it can certainly feel like that, especially when things aren't working out, or when we are alone.
you put effort and passion into things and sometimes, they don't work or they aren't overly productive.
god... are you there? do you hear me? leaping for faith doesn't mean that you are landing on something solid. but things like faith, love, air are unseen and to some, they would say are nothing... 0.
so what does all this mean, that nothing is worth the effort? that no matter what effort or investment you put into something you will not receive a good return or something worth anything out of the effort?
not a all.
what i'm saying is that if we are standing here at rest, you are at 0... 0 is X and even pirates knew that X marks the spot... (yes, that means mall maps are modern pirate maps - think about that next time you are at the mall trying to figure out where to go - you are a treasure, go forth and have fun with that thought! - now back to our paid programming).
...so you are at 0/X... you are a body in rest. move forward into the future. remember that sometimes, things don't work... you shouldn't look at this as a waste... keep pushing forward into the positive, you don't know how far into it you will end up reaching. most of our minds have the potential to think infinitely, but our bodies will run out long before that... keep pushing past 0... keep reaching for positive integers. you reach for food, you consume it, it's gone... but the result of that food is that it has given you the energy to move you beyond where you were. ...you are back at 0 - but not in the sense that you are or have nothing... it's just a new X... a new place for you to be centered and to move from.
so now that you are here. today. at 0. reflect on this:
look at yourself in the mirror. you can't truly touch yourself in it. try all you want, but that mirror is 0 - you can't reach out and touch the other side... you can only touch 0. now step back away from the mirror. take another step back. move away from 0. turn around and walk into the day. go forward and inspire someone... maybe even yourself. for those of us who are looking to make it through the moment... so be it... sometimes the goal is to just survive the day... but live it fully when you have the opportunity. seize the moment, make 0 worth something - live for something or you will die for nothing.
don't look at it as "nothing will be gained."
think: "what have i got to lose?!"
you should already know my answer will be "nothing"!
30.8.10
extra sprinkles, please
so there are times where we hit a point in life where we don't know what we want, only what we don't... this is the point my spouse and i seem to be at... the potential "take a break" stage. the stage where you want to dig through all the probable places they would hide their dirty little secrets in a quest that you can find a thread of hope, or a crush of conclusion... to cast away your doubts, or to find what evidence you sure exists and then confront them on it. the place where you long to find some ally in a battle that may or may not exist in your mind - but you are certain there is an enemy, or enemies, that you face.
this is the place i currently call home. it is almost always lonely, dark at times and a place where you can find or lose yourself at any given moment. i blame myself mostly. my past has dictated who i am, and unless i change... i am sure to be back. i would cry myself to sleep... but that indicates there is some rest earned over the course of a night... rather, i lay awake, thinking, wondering, worrying... mostly, being alone in a bed with another lonely passenger. sleep does come at some point... it always does... but i would hardly call it rest. at most, it is a break.
...and that brings us back to the "take a break" stage.
i keep reminding myself that one way or another... things work out. ...and they do, it's just a matter of whether or not it is what you want it to be. i don't want this war... i want peace for a thousand years. if/when i find the person who is supposed to stand and lay with me... i hope that is what we have - whether that is my spouse, or someone after my spouse when they make their decision. the battlefield in my head is dark and unknown... when they decide to stay or go, only then will the lights be raised and casualties seen for what they are: either a facade of peace and harmony - or a playground where someone has a skinned knee and damage that only love and reassurance can fix... and maybe ice cream.
this is the place i currently call home. it is almost always lonely, dark at times and a place where you can find or lose yourself at any given moment. i blame myself mostly. my past has dictated who i am, and unless i change... i am sure to be back. i would cry myself to sleep... but that indicates there is some rest earned over the course of a night... rather, i lay awake, thinking, wondering, worrying... mostly, being alone in a bed with another lonely passenger. sleep does come at some point... it always does... but i would hardly call it rest. at most, it is a break.
...and that brings us back to the "take a break" stage.
i keep reminding myself that one way or another... things work out. ...and they do, it's just a matter of whether or not it is what you want it to be. i don't want this war... i want peace for a thousand years. if/when i find the person who is supposed to stand and lay with me... i hope that is what we have - whether that is my spouse, or someone after my spouse when they make their decision. the battlefield in my head is dark and unknown... when they decide to stay or go, only then will the lights be raised and casualties seen for what they are: either a facade of peace and harmony - or a playground where someone has a skinned knee and damage that only love and reassurance can fix... and maybe ice cream.
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