that's going to sting...

apparently it's time for an annual update.
needless to say, i've been slacking on this... again. i'd like to get to the point where this is updated at least once a week... we'll see, however.
this past year has been an emotional roller coaster with ups and downs... some days, i'd rather have been too short for the ride, but i've been in the cart and holding on for dear life. even with tears streaming from my eyes from joy or sorrow, i've held onto the bar white knuckled at times trying to enjoy the ride.
while in an exhausted point of my marriage, i took an emotional refuge in a friend and it was uncovered by my spouse... nothing happened beyond a handful of flirty emails/texts, which is still a breach of integrity - especially when the person hurt in the matter feels crushed. i was at the point of leaving and had been trying to make that clear. however, it turned things around for a spell and reignited us emotionally after we talked things out. i appreciate what came out of it... but very little has truly changed.
this is unfortunate and i'm still trying to remedy that.
there was someone i cared for greatly who passed about a month after.
between these two things... i don't feel the same. something changed. of course something changed... life is a constant state of change. however, i mean in how i look at things, how i feel, think and learn... i feel like a part of me died inside. i don't know what, or how to fix it.
i'm still being optimistic, but can't help but be that person walking up the street at night, looking back thinking i hear footsteps, thinking i see movement in the shadows, thinking that i'm being stalked. fight or flight tends to be our reaction to this emotion. a healthy dose of fear keeps us alive. however, it can also hasten our demise.
i am so very thankful for the guys and girls in my life who encourage me to stay positive... some days, they kindness of others is solely what keeps me going.
...and for you, i will try to continues this walk into my night with confidence and poise, not running away, arms flailing... but walking, aware and ready for whatever the shadows contain... whatever the future contains.
life is what we make it and i'm trying to make it wonderful... one day at a time... hopefully, with more updates.
happy holidays to all.

...and to the one or two friends i've been able to open up to more than others and have been there for me bearing my more shadowy corners... a special "thank you" - i'd probably have lost my mind. someday, i'd love to provide a certain level of servitude to you as thanks... whether that be in this life or the next - you are appreciated dearly!