i've hit a point where i plan to take a stand with my spouse and therefore, with myself. the point was set for january 1, 2012... that came and went quietly. this new one, i plan on a hard stop. and ultimate "shit or get off the pot" for us both.
my birthday in a couple months. all or nothing. a goal has been outlined and if that goal isn't met, i am done. either way, "happy birthday to me".
i have a couple friends who have been there for me, giving me good information and courage to know that i am not alone in this situation and one of them even being supportive of questions and doubts... a wonderful sounding wall letting me know that i am sane and have a spark left - a life beyond whatever happens. various motivations aside, that hope is inspiring. someone that you can admit something you doubted about yourself and internalized for so long, it felt like a lie. something which made you feel weak, and then that person tells you "it's ok... you're not abnormal, you are ok." sadly, a place where i have never been able to get to with my spouse.
there was a recent buzz in the media about two women who were raising their child as gender neutral, and it pissed me off. granted, i try to keep this blog that way keeping an androgyny to this so people aren't turned off or put out by identifying based on his or her gender. i want to strike a chord with people who feel the content is relevant to their heart or desires... not what they have in their pants. i hope that happens.
i don't care if you are a man who loves a woman, a man who loves a man, a man who loves his woman who fucks him like a man, a woman who fucks the man they love like a woman, a woman who loves a woman, a woman who loves a man or a communal/tribal variation of all of the above... (god willing) we all have our kinks and loves that someone else may cringe at, and have at least one other person we can share these feelings with. i want to love, however i feel like it... no convenient definitions that lock me into some standard or traditional role.
frank zappa said "without deviations from the norm, progress is not possible." and some people would argue that while true, there are lines that should not be crossed. my thought is, if it is not a corrupting action against someones will and if it feels good... who are we to define "right or wrong" to someone we may not agree with... to clarify, i am speaking sexually. there are obvious rights and wrongs as well as innocence that should be held sacred (pedophiles be warned - i pray you seek and find help before you take any action... else you should be subjects to your physical, emotional and psychological terrors!) as someone who is confident they were assaulted as a child, i can't stand the thought of that perpetuation!
as usual, i've deviated from my initial point.
my mental and physical health are now unraveling. stresses are taking their toll and driving me down that path of depression that i don't care to go down. i'm hitting my critical mass/tipping point and need to take action. so i am. i don't want to end my life... i really don't. so i would rather start my life anew as opposed to entertaining this negativity. however, that being said - i am dangling from the end of my proverbial rope... this needs to end the current direction things are headed.
i've expressed my total frustration to my spouse; of life and hope for change or death... period.
end transmission.
