that's going to sting...

apparently it's time for an annual update.
needless to say, i've been slacking on this... again. i'd like to get to the point where this is updated at least once a week... we'll see, however.
this past year has been an emotional roller coaster with ups and downs... some days, i'd rather have been too short for the ride, but i've been in the cart and holding on for dear life. even with tears streaming from my eyes from joy or sorrow, i've held onto the bar white knuckled at times trying to enjoy the ride.
while in an exhausted point of my marriage, i took an emotional refuge in a friend and it was uncovered by my spouse... nothing happened beyond a handful of flirty emails/texts, which is still a breach of integrity - especially when the person hurt in the matter feels crushed. i was at the point of leaving and had been trying to make that clear. however, it turned things around for a spell and reignited us emotionally after we talked things out. i appreciate what came out of it... but very little has truly changed.
this is unfortunate and i'm still trying to remedy that.
there was someone i cared for greatly who passed about a month after.
between these two things... i don't feel the same. something changed. of course something changed... life is a constant state of change. however, i mean in how i look at things, how i feel, think and learn... i feel like a part of me died inside. i don't know what, or how to fix it.
i'm still being optimistic, but can't help but be that person walking up the street at night, looking back thinking i hear footsteps, thinking i see movement in the shadows, thinking that i'm being stalked. fight or flight tends to be our reaction to this emotion. a healthy dose of fear keeps us alive. however, it can also hasten our demise.
i am so very thankful for the guys and girls in my life who encourage me to stay positive... some days, they kindness of others is solely what keeps me going.
...and for you, i will try to continues this walk into my night with confidence and poise, not running away, arms flailing... but walking, aware and ready for whatever the shadows contain... whatever the future contains.
life is what we make it and i'm trying to make it wonderful... one day at a time... hopefully, with more updates.
happy holidays to all.

...and to the one or two friends i've been able to open up to more than others and have been there for me bearing my more shadowy corners... a special "thank you" - i'd probably have lost my mind. someday, i'd love to provide a certain level of servitude to you as thanks... whether that be in this life or the next - you are appreciated dearly!

the ticking of a clock

almost a year since the last update... that's atrocious. this is why people don't read this... ok, lack of advertising and any popular culture hooks don't help either. ...but i will keep writing with varying frequency in hopes that someone finds this and feels a connection to my words.

i've hit a point where i plan to take a stand with my spouse and therefore, with myself. the point was set for january 1, 2012... that came and went quietly. this new one, i plan on a hard stop. and ultimate "shit or get off the pot" for us both.

my birthday in a couple months. all or nothing. a goal has been outlined and if that goal isn't met, i am done. either way, "happy birthday to me".

i have a couple friends who have been there for me, giving me good information and courage to know that i am not alone in this situation and one of them even being supportive of questions and doubts... a wonderful sounding wall letting me know that i am sane and have a spark left - a life beyond whatever happens. various motivations aside, that hope is inspiring. someone that you can admit something you doubted about yourself and internalized for so long, it felt like a lie. something which made you feel weak, and then that person tells you "it's ok... you're not abnormal, you are ok." sadly, a place where i have never been able to get to with my spouse.

there was a recent buzz in the media about two women who were raising their child as gender neutral, and it pissed me off. granted, i try to keep this blog that way keeping an androgyny to this so people aren't turned off or put out by identifying based on his or her gender. i want to strike a chord with people who feel the content is relevant to their heart or desires... not what they have in their pants. i hope that happens.

i don't care if you are a man who loves a woman, a man who loves a man, a man who loves his woman who fucks him like a man, a woman who fucks the man they love like a woman, a woman who loves a woman, a woman who loves a man or a communal/tribal variation of all of the above... (god willing) we all have our kinks and loves that someone else may cringe at, and have at least one other person we can share these feelings with. i want to love, however i feel like it... no convenient definitions that lock me into some standard or traditional role.

frank zappa said "without deviations from the norm, progress is not possible." and some people would argue that while true, there are lines that should not be crossed. my thought is, if it is not a corrupting action against someones will and if it feels good... who are we to define "right or wrong" to someone we may not agree with... to clarify, i am speaking sexually. there are obvious rights and wrongs as well as innocence that should be held sacred (pedophiles be warned - i pray you seek and find help before you take any action... else you should be subjects to your physical, emotional and psychological terrors!) as someone who is confident they were assaulted as a child, i can't stand the thought of that perpetuation!

as usual, i've deviated from my initial point.

my mental and physical health are now unraveling. stresses are taking their toll and driving me down that path of depression that i don't care to go down. i'm hitting my critical mass/tipping point and need to take action. so i am. i don't want to end my life... i really don't. so i would rather start my life anew as opposed to entertaining this negativity. however, that being said - i am dangling from the end of my proverbial rope... this needs to end the current direction things are headed.

i've expressed my total frustration to my spouse; of life and hope for change or death... period.

end transmission.