it's been over 4 months and feels like minutes. my last posting was when i was flying up to boston to see my best friend and clear my head and calm my aching heart. ...a couple things happened.
a very good friend of mine showed up to the party while i was in town, high as a kite and making a scene (and not a good kind, but is there ever when the term "making a scene" is used?). i attempted to talk to them and get them to open up to me... that didn't happen and we haven't talked since. text messages and voicemail have gone unresponded to. this is someone that i've been really close to for 15 years... it breaks my heart. especially at a time when my marriage was questionable, this person was a close friend (perhaps we both had ulterior motives through the years, there was definitely innocent flirting in the past) who i confided in. when my spouse was talking to (and interested in) someone else, this person was here for me, and had been for a long, long time.
i keep wondering where to call off attempts to reach out... one more? how about one more after that? i'm not sure how they could just walk away from the history we had. between this and my spouse, i've learned that love is something not to take for granted. while some things have mended with my spouse (probably somewhat because their interest in the other person was nonreciprocal) it is far from perfect... but i'm not sure anything in life is ever perfect when you are trying to reach perfection, or at least an improved status of something; because the very nature of improvement is to put something under a critical eye of scrutiny. i certainly don't know if things are going to last with my spouse, but i certainly hope so... i don't want to admit defeat, or contribute to defeat... i would much rather be a part of something successful then something fleeting... but i can't fix everything and am equally flawed with quirks and my own issues, therefore contributing to the destruction i am trying to avoid.
i am trying to work on me; said quirks, my patience, communication, affection, attention and spirituality. as a firm believer in the concept of "it's not the situation... it's your reactions to the situation" that impacts our lives... basically reinforcing that we can't change people, only ourselves. that doesn't mean you stick around and keep allowing someone to treat you poorly... there is also a big part of me that follows the "we deserve what we tolerate" logic... but we will never find someone who makes us happy all of the time... and in truth, if you do, there is some deception there and they are probably trying to sell you something or worse.
my trip accomplished what i needed it to; a pause on where i was at in life, and a small analysis of relationships (friends, lovers and family). it also taught me that i still possess passion and am capable of feeling still on a human level rather then through mental reactions to something i see... a person can still turn me on and make me feel sexy - so i'm not dead inside!
since the trip, things have been pretty literally "status quo" (back to the way they were). it's like the other person my spouse had interest in didn't happen at all... even when confronted with evidence (yes, i snooped. no, i'm not proud.) ...does it make me weak to just allow things back to that status quo? i'm not sure... but i can say this... i deserve much better then that previous norm... and so do they. it's not that it's bad, it's actually pretty good most of the time... but it's not fulfilling and just seems half hearted.
hopefully, we'll find the other half of that heart, or we'll discover that it's ok to walk away... and sometimes that is more noble.
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