a retake on extra sprinkles - the follow up with inspiration

so i just reread that posting... and some feelings and thoughts have evolved over the past month.

i'm sure i haven't miraculously matured between now and then, but perhaps a little because i've got some well needed enlightenment since that post.  my spouse has decided to take a short break - nothing crazy, just a week plus out of state seeing friends.  i'm perfectly content with this, even if friends include "friends" and a decision is reached to be all in or all out of "us".  that's not the "ahh haa" moment.

the "ahh haa" moment i've met somewhere along the way of the past month is that i (me, myself, the person who is on the strings) has power here too... that i can make a decision completely independent of what they decide.  like pinocchio shouting "i want to be a real boy" i found my voice and have just as much control as gepetto who is holding the strings.

so that's something.  i'm not sure what yet, and i'm not sure what my heart holds, and certainly trying to guess what someone else's holds is a complete mystery.  i've never had good relationships in life.  even in make believe they were flawed.  life imitating art, or art imitating life???  i don't know.  another one that can fall under "the chicken or the egg" scenario.  i'm trying though.  i'm really trying.  ...and i realize that if i'm the only one trying, then i need to walk away... because i deserve better then this, and i can't tolerate it anymore.

i leave you with a side note... something i found while surfing the internerd... i like it.  it feels very true and accurate to me, and i think people need to stop and realize that these fantasies they long for... are often the same fantasy shared by the stranger in our bed that we've laid with for a long time, or a random "friend" for an evening.  it's profound, poetic and simple.  it may be the best thing i've read in a very long time.

cheers

“In the group of women I work with – spanning the decades from late twenties to early sixties – it is noticeable that youth and beauty don’t dictate the happiest relationship, the kinkiest sex or the most wildly romantic love affair… Men, those devils, watch porn and, weirdly, still lust after women without pneumatic tits, fake tans and plastic sandals. They fall in love and lust with less than perfect female bodies, and are thrilled to bits to get their hands on all the bits women love to hate about themselves. Go out into the street and look at the people holding hands, feeling each other up and gazing passionately down each others cleavages: most of them aren’t world class beauties with gym-toned bodies, they are perfectly ordinary people hiding what someone else finds exceptional and arousing under not-next-season’s clothes and quite possibly a roll of flab. Here’s what women, and men, want: someone to turn them on and make them happy. Funnily enough, all this mainly goes on in the brain, which is why you don’t need botox and silicone to get laid, or loved.”

a moment to reflect and focus on the future

this moment is 0.  it's not even, it's not odd... it's a place holder.

yesterday, last week, they are negative values.  the past.  things that are behind me.
the future represents positive values; moving forward.

moments are something palpable once they are within reach and being lived in moment 0.  all we really have is 0... it is the sum of all reality.

past moments and events which have occurred were real, most of them helped define and construct the moment we are in.  take for example: love.
we could fall in love and decide to be with that person building up years behind us... taking us to now.
or flip the coin; if you poison someone and go to jail, you are in jail and paying for your past... it's the build up to this very moment.
at the time, it may have been for a cause, but when you are sitting there in a moment of solitude and reflection - what impact did it have, was it worth it?!  am i saying that falling in love and murder are pointless, that it all adds up to nothing (0)?  maybe.  it can certainly feel like that, especially when things aren't working out, or when we are alone.
you put effort and passion into things and sometimes, they don't work or they aren't overly productive.
god... are you there?  do you hear me?  leaping for faith doesn't mean that you are landing on something solid.  but things like faith, love, air are unseen and to some, they would say are nothing... 0.

so what does all this mean, that nothing is worth the effort?  that no matter what effort or investment you put into something you will not receive a good return or something worth anything out of the effort?
not a all.
what i'm saying is that if we are standing here at rest, you are at 0... 0 is X and even pirates knew that X marks the spot... (yes, that means mall maps are modern pirate maps - think about that next time you are at the mall trying to figure out where to go - you are a treasure, go forth and have fun with that thought! - now back to our paid programming).
...so you are at 0/X... you are a body in rest.  move forward into the future.  remember that sometimes, things don't work... you shouldn't look at this as a waste... keep pushing forward into the positive, you don't know how far into it you will end up reaching.  most of our minds have the potential to think infinitely, but our bodies will run out long before that... keep pushing past 0... keep reaching for positive integers.  you reach for food, you consume it, it's gone... but the result of that food is that it has given you the energy to move you beyond where you were.  ...you are back at 0 - but not in the sense that you are or have nothing... it's just a new X... a new place for you to be centered and to move from.
so now that you are here. today. at 0.  reflect on this: 
look at yourself in the mirror.  you can't truly touch yourself in it.  try all you want, but that mirror is 0 - you can't reach out and touch the other side... you can only touch 0.  now step back away from the mirror.  take another step back.  move away from 0.  turn around and walk into the day.  go forward and inspire someone... maybe even yourself.  for those of us who are looking to make it through the moment... so be it... sometimes the goal is to just survive the day... but live it fully when you have the opportunity.  seize the moment, make 0 worth something - live for something or you will die for nothing.
don't look at it as "nothing will be gained."
think: "what have i got to lose?!" 
you should already know my answer will be "nothing"!