so there are times where we hit a point in life where we don't know what we want, only what we don't... this is the point my spouse and i seem to be at... the potential "take a break" stage. the stage where you want to dig through all the probable places they would hide their dirty little secrets in a quest that you can find a thread of hope, or a crush of conclusion... to cast away your doubts, or to find what evidence you sure exists and then confront them on it. the place where you long to find some ally in a battle that may or may not exist in your mind - but you are certain there is an enemy, or enemies, that you face.
this is the place i currently call home. it is almost always lonely, dark at times and a place where you can find or lose yourself at any given moment. i blame myself mostly. my past has dictated who i am, and unless i change... i am sure to be back. i would cry myself to sleep... but that indicates there is some rest earned over the course of a night... rather, i lay awake, thinking, wondering, worrying... mostly, being alone in a bed with another lonely passenger. sleep does come at some point... it always does... but i would hardly call it rest. at most, it is a break.
...and that brings us back to the "take a break" stage.
i keep reminding myself that one way or another... things work out. ...and they do, it's just a matter of whether or not it is what you want it to be. i don't want this war... i want peace for a thousand years. if/when i find the person who is supposed to stand and lay with me... i hope that is what we have - whether that is my spouse, or someone after my spouse when they make their decision. the battlefield in my head is dark and unknown... when they decide to stay or go, only then will the lights be raised and casualties seen for what they are: either a facade of peace and harmony - or a playground where someone has a skinned knee and damage that only love and reassurance can fix... and maybe ice cream.
