(last night)
i am sitting alone in my living room, but have been transported to a small club circa 93 in nyc: sin-é... listening to jeff buckley whose music, to me, transcends all things and makes me wonder if i was the child of tim and mary... would i have wasted that wonderful life too (as i am my own)?
two reminders to self: "shit or get off the pot" and "make/be the music you want to hear in life".
(today)
this artist makes me question why i am putting up with things in my life that i shouldn't; why is it that i am not living up to my potential and merely going through life status quo... i'm in a marriage with a wonderful person who isn't necessarily wonderful for me, nor i for them; and my efforts to resolve the problems we have aren't reciprocated. i'm vocal on finding a resolution with them... but fear they aren't like minded in more then talk. it's tough to not look back on past loves i've met through the years during these moments of reflection and ponder things like: "what if" and "where did things go wrong" - looking for a greater meaning then just "two people who weren't meant to be". i tend to over-analyze things and look for meaning and purpose in things as simple as spilled salt (i'm not that bad, but i do try to learn from every event in my life... like do not spill salt!).
i feel an overwhelming wave of depression being held back by a very small defense... i keep telling my spouse how i feel and there is no real comprehension behind those eyes. i break it down in very real and blunt terms: "if things don't change, you will end up single again; either by divorce or being widowed... because the depression that is building up in me due to issues we have that i cannot resolve myself is becoming too much for me to try to fix myself." truthfully, i don't want to take either path - i want to fix the problems we have... at the very least, attempt to fix the problems... i'm not delusional and don't expect perfection, i just want to be met somewhere in the middle. if they aren't willing to meet me in the middle - then we are not the right people for each other; if i'm not happy, they won't be happy and vice versa. the fact that i can identify and face these challenges gives me that small defense that is keeping the depression at bay... that defense is hope.
it was absolutely the right time to find my lost jeff buckley collection (that it turns out my mother had)... it was the right time to reach out to lost friends... it is the right time to get off my ass and start making music; literally and figuratively... (i haven't had the time to literally, but that is next!)
