christmas eve and all is well

greetings and salutations. 

the day is upon us:  the house is decorated.  the gifts have arrived and been wrapped.  today we cook and cook and cook.  today should be fun... just looking for an adequate lull at work to say "ok, let's call it a day and spend time with our families."  work has been quiet, i work in a call center and short of a couple personal calls, our phones haven't rang.

there are some good conversations going on in our group... talking about bad times we've had, but truthfully, it seems that we're all using the bad to reflect on the good things we have.  i hope that everyone who reads this (if anyone at all... queue crickets) has a wonderful christmas and has a mature sense of cynicism and can appreciate life through the rough times.  i certainly hope if you read this, you'll jot a quick note acknowledging our existence.

take care... and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

dear santa

with the holiday quickly approaching we're running out of shopping days.  ...i think a more accurate statement from the economy (if the economy were to have a voice) is with shopping quickly approaching, we're running out of holidays.  "spend spend spend" would be the mantra.  i'm over it... i was over it before it started.  i barely have money to spend on bills let alone other people's wants (we're not even talking needs)!  i was talking the other day with someone who said simply "make something for someone... the holidays are about making someone know they matter to you" ...or something to that effect.  ...and you know... that is totally and completely true.  the spirit of christmas doesn't come with a price tag attached to it.  you don't need to take your fine china or gold to a pawn shop to afford something that we all have the ability to give freely:  love.
i started this entry with a cynical rant in mind regarding the politically "correct" commercial slaughter of chriskwanzikhah... and that derailed, and fortunately/unfortunately, i don't plan on redirecting it to that.  in my moment of letting the words flow and reflecting on them... reflecting on the point of what the holiday season should be... i've got to take this positive wave and ride it for what it is worth.  my cynical roots don't always have to win out and steer my life into total bitterness.  i'm allowed to be happy and positive once in a while... it is permitted.  the same goes for you... we don't have to be miserable all the time.  life isn't ALL bad... which is all the more reason to rejoice in the moments where you feel okay about yourself... because life can be very quick to spin around and bite you in the ass.

ps - santa if you stumble across my blog, could you bring me some self gratifying adult "toys" this year... i've actually been pretty good and this is the closest i'll come to an actual list.
thanks, and merry christmas! 

a glass of lilac wine with nusrat fateh ali khan

(last night)

i am sitting alone in my living room, but have been transported to a small club circa 93 in nyc: sin-é... listening to jeff buckley whose music, to me, transcends all things and makes me wonder if i was the child of tim and mary... would i have wasted that wonderful life too (as i am my own)? 

two reminders to self: "shit or get off the pot" and "make/be the music you want to hear in life".

(today)

this artist makes me question why i am putting up with things in my life that i shouldn't; why is it that i am not living up to my potential and merely going through life status quo... i'm in a marriage with a wonderful person who isn't necessarily wonderful for me, nor i for them; and my efforts to resolve the problems we have aren't reciprocated.  i'm vocal on finding a resolution with them... but fear they aren't like minded in more then talk.  it's tough to not look back on past loves i've met through the years during these moments of reflection and ponder things like: "what if" and "where did things go wrong" - looking for a greater meaning then just "two people who weren't meant to be".  i tend to over-analyze things and look for meaning and purpose in things as simple as spilled salt (i'm not that bad, but i do try to learn from every event in my life... like do not spill salt!).

i feel an overwhelming wave of depression being held back by a very small defense... i keep telling my spouse how i feel and there is no real comprehension behind those eyes.  i break it down in very real and blunt terms: "if things don't change, you will end up single again; either by divorce or being widowed... because the depression that is building up in me due to issues we have that i cannot resolve myself is becoming too much for me to try to fix myself." truthfully, i don't want to take either path - i want to fix the problems we have... at the very least, attempt to fix the problems... i'm not delusional and don't expect perfection, i just want to be met somewhere in the middle.  if they aren't willing to meet me in the middle - then we are not the right people for each other; if i'm not happy, they won't be happy and vice versa.  the fact that i can identify and face these challenges gives me that small defense that is keeping the depression at bay... that defense is hope.

it was absolutely the right time to find my lost jeff buckley collection (that it turns out my mother had)... it was the right time to reach out to lost friends... it is the right time to get off my ass and start making music; literally and figuratively... (i haven't had the time to literally, but that is next!)

wise words from a friend

cheesy saying, but sound advise:

"inch by inch; life's a cinch... yard by yard; life is hard"

i need to remember to plan out things in life, rather then trying to blast through life like a spinning top... set smaller realistic goals in order to help achieve a bigger end goal... these smaller successes will fuel optimism and increase my odds of a greater success.

dissecting pangea

i question whether or not i have ever been whole... when i was a babe, was i one with myself?
i lay awake at night with a warm body next to me... not quite fitting it as it seems i should; am i the one with eroded edges or are they?
i wear myself down, crumbling and crashing into the ocean of my own thoughts... sinking into the dark and bottomless depths.
are the broken pieces of me scattered throughout this sphere of life? 
i question the very theory of pangea and wonder if it applies to me?  was i ever "all there"?  is there more to me then just this seemingly broken piece?  i feel detached from myself... but is it just in my head... nothing more then a theory.
all of the carbon dating in the world can't assure me anything... you can't date something that predates your sciences.  you can't convince me of anything; for i am the lost and sinking city of atlantis and my thoughts are swallowing me whole.
...and should i make it off this island of man...
i have no doubts that i will wonder if i was the stuff of fantasy and the lore drunken sailors.  i will look back at my journals and diaries which will read like lorem ipsum; seemingly gibberish, but within them will narrate the extremes of good and evil that was me.

I feel like I keep forgetting to breath lately and need to make a conscious effort to do so. It's like sleep apnea while I am awake.

no champagne to christen my blog

so i don't know where (if anywhere) this adventure is going to lead. i hope that it comes to more fruition then this; its maiden entry.
my plans for this are simple; to have a place of expression which will be shared out anonymously. alas, i will be another faceless person which hides his shame behind the cloak of internet anonymity... vocalizing those things which i am too (ashamed, embarrassed, proud, whatever) to share publicly with an accountable identity.
to some, including myself, this is perhaps a cowardly way to share and limiting of one's personal growth... but at this stage, it is all i can muster. i don't have any planned direction with this blog and with this "costume" i've assumed, i am afforded freedoms i cannot currently have as me.
who knows... should this go well and i grow enough or come to grips with the reality of "me" (what and whomever that is) i may be able to demolish this safe house that i've built and stand as i am... receiving support or criticism with dignity.

there is a place for you to share your thoughts here or to email entries; so have at it.

thanks for reading...
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